The things your missing..

Dear Dad,

Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone.  He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had.  That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him.  He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you!  He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old.  He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused.  He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association.   I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!

When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go.  It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see.  It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me.  Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going.  I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me.  Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room.  That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing.  I don't need to tell you that.

Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.

Love you Dad

My Angel are you~

                         A Fathers Day Poem I wrote for my dad, who is still on my mind constantly..

Missing your voice, and missing your smile

Thinking of you more than just once in awhile

My sad days get further and further apart

The ache gets more subtle deep down in my heart

Life has gone on, the grief process traveled

at moments my life seemed to be unraveled

Tears still come at times without warning

I smile through it though it’s a sign of mourning

It is hard to find the words to convey

The feelings inside me as I think of fathers day

A true friend at nature, A role model too

From the day I was born my love for you grew

Sacred is the bond between a daughter and her dad

The everlasting connection we will forever have

Your time was too short here, our story not through

I still feel you with me

My angel are you.

Coming Full Circle

It started from the day my dad was diagnosed... the moment we heard the word Cancer I plunged into step 1 of the grief process without ever knowing it.  For me, this step lasted almost until the end.  Shock & Denial...  That dreadful moment when you learn something so horrible that you can't possibly believe it so you instantly go into shock and denial.  Most people may not even realize they have already started to grieve when there loved one is still here and alive.  Each day as it played out I prayed I would wake up and realize it was all just a dream. (shock) Having thoughts that this can't be happening to me (denial)...

Then the pain kicks in, the final days of my dad's life watching him suffer and knowing the end was near the guilt of feeling like more should have been done.  This is when I entered step 2... Pain & guilt
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul.  I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.  

Then the inevitable happened, my dad passed away... I use the word inevitable because at the end the doctors offered no hope to us.  After months of hearing that my dad had a chance, positively speaking they were optimistic.  We heard what we never wanted to hear... "there's nothing more we can do"

When I watched my dad take his last breathe I was hurled into step 3, anger!  

For me this step was my time to lash out at each and every doctor who was ever involved in my dad's case.  For every positive comment, for each reassurance we received, for all the confusion masked by medical jargon, I became angry.  I had so much blame to cast to each one of them who told me my dad would beat this.  

I wonder now looking back if it is possible to be stuck in 3 steps all at the same time... To me I was.

The shock & Denial kicked back in, along with the anger and extreme pain!  After he was gone it was such a flurry of all these emotions.

Step 4 hit me like a rock from the moment I came down off the high I stayed in for 3 days during seemingly endless visitations and a very touching funeral.  Little did I know that I was beginning what would be the hardest stage for me to get through, Depression.  

This period of time was very dark for me, I simply shut out the world, my family, my friends and even my kids and I gave up.  Some days I tried... Tried to get up without wanting to scream, tried to work without wanting to cry, it didn't work.  Most of the time I spent in this depression was spent crying, or feeling sorry for myself.  I read and researched, did therapy, took anti-depressant meds, in a way, looking back now they did help, though at the time I didn't think they did.  Grief is a horrible, depression is worse.  It took a lot of inner strength to find my way back to life.  Truly I think my grief progressed through the depression and I just woke up and decided life had to go on. 

I truly believe I have entered the final step which is acceptance.

I have grieved, through all the stages in that process, sometimes remaining stuck for months without moving forward.  Those steps, have led me to where I am today.
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate.  I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic.  I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death.  My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done.  It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process.  You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 Now you can see the acceptance!