Behind the Smile

You'd think she has it all, judging by her smile.  What you fail to see is that the confidence she exudes hides the truth.  It is nothing but a mere mask, that covers each fear and uncertainty.
Her presence lights up a room, and draws in the crowds.
Envious onlookers are intimidated by her presence, by her confidence.
But the pain is real, and somedays the struggle too much
How can one with so much, feel so little
She cries out for help, but it's silenced.
No one understands, yet everyone understands, not chosing to admit it.
The truth forever hidden, behind the smile

These are my words.
I chose to share them, because even though these are my words, they are also the words of so many others.
How many sit in silence? Afraid to speak.

People will judge, they see what they want to see with no concept into the truth. They see what we want them to see.
That girl who looks like she has it all, so put together and loving life may be harboring terrible life experiences, pain and angst.  So be kind.

This was me, and still is on occasion.  These very raw words are a vision into my soul, the way things were, the ways things are.

And I'm not ashamed. That's part of my story, it's what makes me, me.

I have so much to enjoy.
I'm now choosing to live each day, because I know life is unexpected.  Nothing is promised. That doesn't mean I don't face struggles, on the daily.
I mean, who doesn't? Really.. No one has a Perfect Life.. That doesn't exist.
So why not live?
That's what I chose, I chose Life.
I've decided I want to do everything I can while I'm here.

My last post talked about the struggle of growing up, and not knowing where my life is going.  I believe I have come to a realization that life is whatever you make of it.  It will be as good or as bad as you let it be.  So just choose to enjoy it.
Since my last post I was approached by someone asking me if I would be interested in writing a memoir...  
My response to this request was that I needed to think about it, and that's what I did... That's all I did. I weighed out the responsibility that would come with this, and thought about the consequence of screwing it up, and then it hit me.  What the hell is holding me back?
If I learned anything from my dad's death it's that we don't know when our story ends.
So I'm ready to dive in.

One last thing,
go out of your way to be the person you want your kids to grow up to be. My kids have seen me at my lowest, and I've been very open with them as I've regained my life.  They will know the struggles that exist in life.  I will not shelter them.  They will see that it is ok to not be ok and to talk about it. I will do my best to break down this stigma in my home.
My kids are my most valued treasure, and I owe it to them to be honest.

They will grow up to know that there is always something, Behind the Smile.

When an Opportunity Presents itself

I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, this statement was tested when I went through the loss of my dad, as I couldn't imagine what the "reason" behind that could possibly be.  The past 5 years have been spent re-evaluating myself, my relationships, and my self worth.  I have come to the realization that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I must take each day as it comes as I can not change what the outcome will be.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.

Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned.  Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago.  My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me.  I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction.  I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.

I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life.  Start living, and stop moaning about it.  It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence.  The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk.  Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself.  You just now need to enjoy yourself.  Do what you want, when you want.  Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)

I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down.  Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time.  It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing.  Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related.  I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to.  That's pretty fricking amazing.  I did that.

And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you?  Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.

I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing.  One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me.  Her words were enough to stop me.  For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.

 Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself.  I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions.  People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing.  If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something.  Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.

So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words.  I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all.  I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone.  (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better.  Have an opinion, but choose your words.  If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.

In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.