Confidence is Scary

So I’ve been thinking, Maybe if we spent more time building each other up,
there would be less and
less people at the bottom?  When you hit your personal rock bottom it is a lonely place no matter how
many people you have in your support system. The hardest part of it all is struggling to still please
everyone, and keep a smile on your face.  When you lack the energy to make yourself feel better,
but you mustre up the energy to still be a mom, wife, and friend it is exhausting.
For so many people, this is reality.  
We are a harsh society, Period.

People can be judgemental because they lack the personal confidence to encourage themselves,
let alone others.  

One thing I’ve learned is that gaining a positive mindset has changed me.
 I had to train my mind to go
to a good place, to think good thoughts and that grew my confidence.  It is an everyday battle to stay
in this place, and with the judgement of others it makes the battle even harder.

Why are we so damn determined to beat each other down? That’s what I don’t understand.

I feel like when people get stuck somewhere in life, Metaphorically speaking, and it’s a place they
don’t like, it breaks them down internally and turns them into people they probably (hopefully) don't
want to be.  Who would ever choose to be a nasty hateful person? Is that something people wake up
in the morning and decide? I don’t think so, I believe it’s deep seeded within them based on their life.

So they had a tough life, and it’s worn them down and what, it takes more energy to be nice…

Is that it?

That’s actually scientifically proven to be wrong, or at least that’s what someone’s facebook post tells
me.  It takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile, which results in more work being put in to
being unhappy then happy.

SO, how do we help them? Kill em with kindness would be my obvious answer, but that may have a
lot to do with my inner smart ass.  Truthfully, it goes deeper than that. It’s like I said before, there is
likely less than 10% of the population (or at least that’s what I tell myself and my kids) that just want to
be miserable and spread hate through the world.

I may be completely naive but I do like to think we live in a better world then that.  I need to give my
kids at least some hope for what they are going to face in their future, and even though I know I may
not be able to change the rest of societies views, I can set them up for how to deal with it.  

I’m “momming” hard these days.

You know when they say stuff like, things happen for a reason, or, what’s meant to be will be.. I used
to think that was complete BULLSHIT.  Who doesn’t? Well oddly enough that was back when my
mindset wasn’t what it is now. I was one of “those” people who was unhappy with life. Not by choice,
or at least I don’t think it was.  

Growing up I feel as though I was an all around happy person.  I was very social and had many groups
of friends with whom I spent all my time with.  I just loved life. Or did I?

I’m forever grateful for the friends who were in my life growing up, especially grateful to those who
have stuck with me through all my rough days and for those who choose to still be here now,
I love you for that.
It must not be easy as I know I’ve went through times when I was not supportive or reliable.

Where I am now is where I want to be.  I am continuing to grow and life gets better daily.  I have let go
of any and all shame for sharing that, along with the people who have chosen to bow out, and I will
always be a huge cheerleader for anyone who is ready to get to this place themselves.  
Advocating for people’s happiness should never be something your ashamed of,
but there are always people who can’t ( or choose not to) support this.
Your prerogative

So for now I forge on…

I’m the only one who has a say in my happiness, and Dammit I am proud of that fact.  

This is what progress looks like

So today I decided to do things a little differently after a conversation last night with one of my best friends I realized that im not the only one who often has the feeling that you’re in a midlife crisis. 

I’ve wrote about this before about the uneasy feeling that lives inside of me, the feeling of unfulfillment the feeling that I’m not successful enough or like I have so much more I want to accomplish but i’m unsure how to accomplish it. 

So I’ve discovered that my problem is going from step A -which is me deciding what I want to do, to step B -which is me actually accomplishing said task. I think I lack the ability to put a plan into motion, this is my weakness. 

Which is weird because I’m a very well organized person.

 My plans usually sound really good and would make me feel very accomplished if I achieve them, but I don’t always get there. 

Sound familiar? It should. 

I’ve been writing about this in my blog for years now stating that I know that there’s more I’m supposed to be doing, I know that this isn’t “it”for me, and I know that I’m not alone when I say that. So now that I have activated my body and my mind is in a healthy state I am more excited than ever to finally put the steps in place in order to fulfill  all of my goals. 

I think what I’ve discovered is that baby steps are my key to success.  First off, let me explain what my goals are. This will help keep me accountable. 

It should be no surprise to any of you that I have a passion for helping people, I want to advocate for mental health, and I want to teach people about body image, self-confidence, and especially kindness as I used to lack all of the above. (Except kindness, I would like to believe I’ve always been kind) but I don’t feel like these things are discussed often enough. 

Believe it or not I am excited to speak in front of people and help them get to a healthier place in their life however it scares the hell out of me. I want to make an impression on people because I know what I’ve had to overcome to get to this place. I’ve lived through something I never thought I could.

I lost my dad, and It rocked my world. 

But I made it through, even though there was many times I wanted to give up, I had zero drive or ambition. To make it through a day it took everything in me.

 If you’ve never had depression or anxiety or any other sort of mental illness you’re very lucky for I think that there is more people faced with this then they choose to admit. 

I want to change that. 

I want to empower people to believe in themselves and realize that in order to start overcoming some of those demons you must start with yourself. For me a journey of personal growth has been the most beneficial part of my life. Starting with learning how to appreciate who I am, learning how to get rid of negative energy in my life and learning how to stop giving a shit about what other people thought of me.

 Of course I say that with the upmost respect but truthfully if more people just stopped worrying about what everyone else thought about them I’m sure their own image of themselves would become much brighter. Once you step out from behind the shadow of other peoples opinions it’s amazing how bright your days will become. Giving people that power over you is like adding more weights into the backpack that you’re carrying around every day, it weighs you down tires you out and it drains your energy. This is part one of the things that I want to help people understand. 

This will be a process and at this point I’m unsure what people’s response will be but I’m certain it will reach at least one person. That’s a victory. 

One small step for me one giant leap towards my goal 😉

So far I’ve survived 100% of my worst days, you can too 💛

Size 12 and Proud

Well, tonight we get Real! Filter is turned off, and I'm about to lay it out.
First let me tell you that on May 13, 2016 I made the conscious decision to quit smoking after being a smoker since the age of approx. 16.  Why now? you ask.  Truthfully I did this as a result of a conversation with my son.  Max came home from school one day with a booklet of information on the dangers of smoking.  He had been studying Smoking in health class that day and he was fueled with details of the ingredients that are in a cigarette.  It was not a conversation I wanted to have, but one I needed to have. He looked at me through his sad big brown eyes and said, "Mommy", I knew at this very moment what was coming, and I had already prepared myself for the answer.  "Will you please quit smoking?" That was it.  After all the times my kids had told me how bad I smelt, or the times we discussed how bad smoking was, this was the first time they had sat me down, showed me concrete evidence of how bad it was for me, and confidently asked me to Please, Quit Smoking!

The date was set, May 13 was the date picked.  It was 2 weeks from the day of this conversation, and also my dad's birthday.  The significance of this day couldn't have been more apparent.
I have had some mediocre attempts at quitting over the years, more of less I decided I was quitting on a Monday, and then when Friday rolled around and I had a few drinks it just seemed natural to light up again.  Other times it would be something stressful, or when I was anxiety ridden that I would turn to a cigarette for help.  Oddly enough, that addiction didn't have as much control over me as I thought it did.
In the weeks leading up to it I consciously cut back on it, knowing the day was coming, and knowing that I was only doing this once made it easier to turn my addiction off.
That morning I had to decide if I had quit already upon waking up? Or was I allowed to smoke for the day and then be done when I go to bed that night? It was really my choice, but seemed like quite a significant one.  I decided to indulge and let myself have the day, but when Max came home from school that would be it.

I can proudly say that 2 years later I am still smoke free! 

Still Smoke free, but carrying an extra 20 lbs.  WHAT??!! (Insert Sigh)
NOW... I don't say this to scare anyone, it is basically a proven fact that one leads to the other.  Smoking increases your metabolism, so when you quit it slows down.  There is also the obvious need to replace the habit, so putting food in my mouth every time I had a craving became quite normal.  I allowed myself to indulge a little more than I should and now here I am 2 years later attempting for the umpteenth time to attack this extra weight. Does this stress me out?? Not a chance!
I will slowly but surely get myself to my desired weight!

What I've learned in the past year, is to LOVE the body I have.  It is the way it is because I gave up a terrible habit.  I kicked smoking's ass! I won.. But my waist line lost..

I refuse to allow societies idea of what a woman should look like determine how I feel.  Every time I look at myself in the mirror I tell myself that I have healthier lungs, healthier skin, happier kids, and am on the path to a healthier life. After all, I have little eyes watching me and It's important we teach our daughters that the body they have is theirs to love, and I make a  point of telling my daughter that I've earned every curve I have.  She sees my desire to get into shape and she knows that my body shape doesn't change the way I feel about myself but it's all apart of my journey to live a healthier life. 

So Love those Curves ladies! Embrace the image you see in the mirror, and never apologize for feeling great and wanting to share it.  The people who can't handle it are the people who need that positive energy the most. 
Anyone needing a boost on their confidence just remember this, You were born to be Real, Not Perfect.

#BeccaToldMeTo

Do you believe in the law of attraction? The force of nature, or the fact that you are meant to walk into situations, meet people and have conversations at the exact moment that it happens? As the story goes, everything happens for a reason.

As I continue on my journey of self acceptance, Confidence building, and most importantly Overcoming my own Mental Health, I am finding it's like there are new things laid out for me all along the way.  I am struggling to put them into perspective and decide what to do first.  I am finding that I am loving life a lot these days.  The past year has changed me and as I continue to improve health wise I have focused on sharing my passion with others.  

The common goal is helping people 😊  

As I've said before, there is always road bumps.  They used to set me back for days, or weeks, but now they are merely a blip on my radar. Do you know why they don't affect me?
Because I have learned how to focus that energy into something else rather than letting myself get beat down.  It's all about personal growth. 

Don't think for a second that my life is perfect, FAR FROM IT! I have all the same bad stuff in my life that everyone else has.  Trust me! But what I've learned is that its all apart of my story, this is all the stuff I'm set to learn from.  There is going to be failures, and I need to have them to grow.  

The curve balls that get thrown your way, are not actually meant to hit you, they are meant to distract you and throw you off course. 
The lesson comes from your reaction, and the growth is how you chose to overcome it.  Does that make sense? 

We can do amazing things, and some people do those amazing things when they are faced with adversity. 

Today I learned that someone very special to our family has been diagnosed with Cancer.  Faced with this new diagnosis he still braved speaking in front of my daughters after school club.  You see, a few weeks ago he had generously donated handmade wooden treasure boxes to my daughter and all her friends in this club, and today he was asked to come back so the children could show him how they had decorated their boxes with love and to say Thank you.  

While speaking to him he had some profound words for me that once again put me into a place of growth and positive mindset.  

He showed me a wooden bowl he had made and continued to tell me how he had shared with the children that this bowl resembled a symbol of strength.  "You see" he began, "this tree withstands terrible conditions, it faces bullying everyday in the form of high winds, and all the seasons of the year wreak havoc on it.  Yet, it remains strong and steady" He then held up the bowl he had carefully hand crafted and continued "I told the children that they need to be like this tree, Strong in the face of adversity, and brave enough to stand up to all conditions" "If they do this, than nothing will break them" 

I was so touched by his words, and the way he chose to show significance in this bowl, so with tears in my eyes I hugged him tightly.  With all he was facing and this new revelation in his life I was so thankful he had taken time to come and share this with my daughter.  

But what he said next is what really got me, He smiled sweetly and said, "I was unsure I was going to be able to take on the task of making all these boxes".  "It was going to be a lot of work for me, but then someone shared with me the story of a girl named Becca.  

The story of a young teenager in New Brunswick who was diagnosed with Terminal Brain Cancer, and after getting this diagnosis she decided to spread kindness as her dying wish.  The initiative #BeccaToldMeTo was created and good deeds have been spreading in her honour.

 My Great Uncle carried out this good deed because #BeccaToldMeTo, in honour of a complete stranger just because she said to.  

Imagine if we all had that amount of good in us to be so selfless in our lives...
The thing is we do, we just need to reach deep enough to find it and not be ashamed to show it.  

Personal growth can come in many different forms, it can be the act of loving yourself, or gaining self confidence, and it can also come from putting out to the world exactly what you want to receive back in return.  

For some the kindness meter exceeds its limits 💗

Never Settle

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? The reflection that looks back at you, is that your best self? Someone you believe in, or is it something you don't like the look of.

Why is that? What has caused us to become separated from ourselves so much that we don't like our own reflection?
Why are you not the absolute best version of yourself? You were created just the way you are for a reason, and you are perfect. You are perfect because no one else is like you, and you have no one to compare yourself to.  Or do you?
Is that the problem, do we try to hard to compare ourselves to someone else? Someone prettier, or thinner, who has the things we want, the house, the husband/wife.  The grass is always Greener.. Right?

Well, I can say in the past year I have grown not only to appreciate the person in the mirror, but actually like her.  This is where I may lose some of my readers, and unfortunately the ones who will check out now are the ones who need to read this the most!  I got myself in check!
It was hard work.  Telling myself all the time that I'm going to be ok, that it's all going to work out, I eventually convinced myself of it, and I believe it!
Do you know the power that words have on a person? It all starts with what you tell yourself, or what you believe.
Everyday we make decisions that can affect someone else, it could be how you treat the staff at Tim Hortons, how you speak to a co-worker, or the smile you give to someone you pass on the street.  The truth is that smile could be what makes someones day.
If you haven't lately, reach out to someone you haven't spoke to for awhile.  When we decide that we won't let life get in the way anymore we open up the chance to rekindle lost relationships. We allow ourselves to form friendships with people we meet. The key is to slow down and enjoy every minute you have.
Life is brutal, stuff happens that we don’t understand and then we question our mortality. But why do we wait until something happens to re-evaluate.
If what your doing doesn’t make you happy, is it worth it? Why would you ever settle for mediocre when you are capable of excellence.
As moms we spend so much time making sure our kids are ok, our house is ok, our bills are paid there’s food in the fridge, we get to work on time , and we sacrifice. All the time we sacrifice ourselves for everyone else.
What if we took that back?
One year ago I took control, I decided it was time to focus on me. Without regret and not worrying about judgement I decided it was time to find myself. That has meant a year of growth and Damn, it feels good!
Learning that I should never be ashamed of who I am.  I'm not trying to impress anyone, not anymore.
I'm surrounding myself with people who fan my flames as Will Smith says, if the people you are spending time with are dousing your flames then why are you spending time with them?

Positive thinking brings positive energy and puts you in a positive mood, it's the Strangest Secret, with the simplest solution.

It's been a long road, and looking back I never would have thought I would get to this point.  It's not that I don't still have road blocks, and speed bumps.  Every damn day! The difference now is I know that they will not stop me, nor will making mistakes define me.

I seen a great quote today that was seemingly wrote for me:
There's going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in minutes.  These moments will change you.  Let them make you stronger, smarter, kinder. But don't you go and become someone you're not.  Cry.  Scream if you have to.  Then straighten out that crown and keep moving forward.

Falling into Place

When you reach the point in your life when you start seeing your dreams and visions coming to fruition its a very rewarding feeling.  Things in the past few months have progressively gotten better in some aspects of my life, while other parts have managed to hit bottom.  In the midst of a lot of positive things happening for me there are parts of my life that are struggling.  It's such a battle when I am in such a good place with myself, but other parts of my life seem to continue to hold me down.  Hard to find a balance some days. Working on myself daily has helped me grow into the person I have always wanted to be but never felt I could be.  Mind over matter is harder than it sounds!

But I've learned a few valuable lessons, in that what you put out there you get back.  I'm tired of the Woe is me attitude I carried for so long.  It gets old, but sometimes it's very hard to get past.
What helped me was finding something, solely for me.  I needed something all for myself, something to call my own.  More than a hobby, it has to be something that actually satisfies you, Something that you look forward to regardless of what else is happening in your life.  It's your solace.
When you find something that gratifies you, it's amazing how your life can turn around.  At least in my case, I can tell you I have never felt better, Stronger, and more confident.
Trust me, things are not picture perfect so don't for one second think that I'm not still dealing with crap, I've just chosen to focus on all the good, and let all that other stuff work itself out.
Figuring out how to do that has taken me what feels like a lifetime to do, we spend so much time searching for greatness but little do we know we all have it in ourselves, we just need to figure out a way to channel it and bring it to the surface.
This journey for me has been more than an eye opener, you see it has showed me so much about myself.  I've had to go through the worst to discover the best.  It's also amazing to me how a process like this will put so much into perspective.  I'm now putting more importance into smaller things than I ever have.
Now I want to help people learn that every bad situation does in fact have a silver lining, you may not be able to see it at the time but life lessons are everywhere!

As you think, so you shall be - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Most profound words I have heard.
Don't ever sit back and wait for your life to change.
There are great things waiting for you!

Short but sweet today, nice to be back~

Motivation

So it's really no secret I have been on a bit of a high lately, this change in me has been something I've prayed for, for years!  In a time of year where I am usually as low as the weather, I am actually feeling better than I have in years.  
My enthusiasm for helping others, and writing has been abundantly fueled by a fundraiser I recently attended.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have an overwhelming connection to them? I'm not talking about your husband, wife, or significant other. I mean meeting someone who speaks to your soul! Like you've been destined to have them enter your life, and they are there for a reason.   I have met this person.  She may not know it, but every time we are together and I hear her speak it solidifies all the dreams I've had rolling through my head for so long now.  I can just imagine all the raised eyebrows happening.
Let me Rewind....
I believe my purpose is to help people, possibly a healer, maybe just a motivational speaker, or someone who just strives to make people feel better about themselves.  I've felt this way for quite some time.  It really happened when I started getting feedback from my blog.  Amazingly enough my words helped others.  Bottom line.   This was astonishing to me, actually made me feel a little uneasy at first as I took what felt like quite a burden onto my self to make sure I didn't say anything really offside, or offensive, but truthfully people just understood and were able to relate to what I said.  This is no revolution, it is no secret that people are affected by others words.  This just drives home the fact that everyone needs to be very cognitive of what they have to say to and about others.  As easy as my words may help others, the wrong choice of words at the wrong time can be all that's needed to push one to a point of helplessness.
The pressure that goes along with me choosing to continue with this blog and put myself out there very publicly for judgement puts me in a place that I need be able to handle the words that come at me.  It's also something that made writing for me very rewarding but very intimidating.  A double edge sword one might say.
Now to move forward slightly It's no secret I struggle with my idea of what I want to do when I grow up, let me be clear I understand my role as a Mother and a wife.  I understand that I bear a certain responsibility to the household.  So is it wrong of me to be very determined to find a suitable way to make my life by doing things that I utterly enjoy and that fulfill me?
I'd like to think that my future self would be egging me on and encouraging me to take this leap as they can see the positive outcome that awaits me.

Now to present day, I have had a few opportunities that have presented themselves to me and I am at a point where I simply have nothing to lose, and I want to make damn sure I never regret a thing.

I love sharing my story..

I love it because, knowing that there could be someone else out there reading one of my posts, who is at their rock bottom.  Who doesn't know their purpose, or what their supposed to do, how to cope, or if anyone cares to listen. Struggling with a mid life mini crisis, or just feeling unappreciated.
 I would like to be the one who gives them a calming feeling knowing that someone out there has had similar feelings to them.

 I want women to know that they are beautiful and strong regardless of their shape and size, hair color, clothing, or color of skin.
 I really want my daughter (and Son for that matter) to grow up strong and aware of the fact that people everywhere will have an opinion on almost everything they do. I want my kids to always respect others opinions but know theirs' is the one that matters.
I want them to know that the pressures of the world can sometimes be too much, and that talking to someone about it will never be admonished.

 Most importantly I want them to know it's ok to strive to make a difference.  You may fail many times, but what matters is that you don't give up.

How many of you knew that in the past 3 months there has been 2 students commit suicide at the University of Waterloo? In Woodstock last summer 5 young people committed suicide in a 4 month span.
This is why I want to do this.  I want everyone to know the value of their life.  It's a powerful message, but one that obviously isn't being shared enough.

When I met her, the first time I sat in that chair and we talked she had me convinced that we had been very close friends in a past life.  We shared the same values regarding these issues, we both had visions of what we wanted to do with our time here.  She had never read my blog.  We hit it off instantly.  The biggest difference between her and I, was she has already started making a difference.
This past weekend, I attended her very successful Little Black Dress Fundraiser.  This event which she has held for the past few years is a fundraiser for the Canadian Mental Health Association.  Can you see now why I believe we were meant to meet each other? This event to empower women, is her dream, that she has put into place.  It has inspired me.

 I am more determined than ever to get people talking.  I am going to make myself available to speak to anyone who needs someone to talk to.  For whatever reason, with out judgement.  Just to be a friend.

I downloaded an app earlier this week, and created my own quote which has become sort of a signature for me lately.