chapter 3

I wasn’t joking when I said I did my research. Not that it made me feel like I knew more than someone with decades of medical schooling by simply reading a few books, but at least it gave me slight knowledge of what they were talking about. 

The next doctor we would meet would be Dr. Vincent who who would be the chemo doctor.  His take on dad’s condition was a little less enthusiastic.  I believe this man was the realist of the 2 doctors, and he was a little more to the point with us on exactly what we were dealing with. 

Either way after that day in London, we still had yet to hear the word “terminal” from either doctor.  And regardless of what they both said, Dad was ready.

Dad’s case was then sent onto a neuro surgeon to determine what would happen with the brain tumor.  It was at this point in the summer that we had planned a week away.  This was an annual event that Mike and I did each summer with friends and family, but this summer it was the last thing I wanted to do.  It was dad himself who told me to go, and not worry. Looking back now, that was 1 more week I could have spent with him before everything went down hill.  Sitting at the cottage that he and mom built, trying to enjoy a ‘holiday’ with my family while my dad sat in an office in London with a Neuro Surgeon.  The news was uplifting, he was sure he could get the whole tumor, and the surgery was scheduled for Wed. July 21. 

Dad was then put onto a steroid to keep the tumor from growing any bigger.  This caused him to put on some extra weight, and made him eat a lot more than usual.  We joked a lot over those few weeks about this extra weight and the fact that he would need it when going through treatment.    

In the weeks leading up to the surgery dad could still talk about this as though it would be a walk in the park.  If he was scared or concerned he never showed it to me, infact he did a very good job of assuring me that all would be ok.  I was never one to not believe my dad, as he had never lied to me before so I did believe him. 

About a week before the surgery dad called me to tell me that he wanted us all to come over the night before surgery for a family bbq. This was something we did often as a family, but this time it felt different.  When I told mom what he was planning, I remember her saying “I wonder why he wants to do this” we all knew it was going to be a very early morning the next day but we all went over that night and that’s a decision I am glad we all made.  This would turn out to be the very last time we all got together at home with dad bbq’ing and drinking a beer.  A few people stopped in that night, knowing the surgery was the next day.. One person I remember specifically was my best friend who brought one of those edible bouquets for him.  At one point I walked around the corner and found dad hugging her and they both had tears in there eyes.  I truly wonder if dad didn’t know that this would be the last time he would ever be able to enjoy a beer and driveway party with us all.  So often, I wish I could go back to that night, and just enjoy the moment a little longer.

When the morning came, my brother picked me up very early, I believe it was around 5am and we were off to University Hospital for the surgery.  I remember laughing at him because he brought a pillow along with him.  When dad went in to be prepped for surgery I remember thinking for a minute “will this be the last time I see him?” Although I had been reassured many times that these surgeons are the best and they perform these kinds of surgeries everyday, it still didn’t ease the knots that had developed in my stomach.  We were allowed to go in and see dad before he went into surgery and although he tried very hard to be strong for us all, I could see the fear in his eyes.  This was brain surgery after all, he wasn’t having wisdom teeth out.  They were actually opening up his skull and removing a tumor from his brain.  A tumor that had been growing in him for months without anyone knowing.  I still don’t quite understand the concept behind this.   

This would turn out to be what seemed like the longest day of my life, it seemed each time I looked at the clock I expected hours to have passed when it would simply show only a few minutes had.  There we sat in the waiting room, along with other families who I can only assume were feeling the same things we were.  Fear, hope, concern.. Every so often a nurse would appear and all tired eyes would turn to her with eager anticipation, mixed with a look of terror as we waited to see who’s name she would call.  Each time she appeared and called out a name, our heightened anticipation would collapse when the name she called was not The Roth family.  The waiting became too much to bear, so my mom and I decided to head to Masonville mall to walk around.  I think we spent about an hour in the mall before we both realized that this was not where we should be, so we quickly headed back to the hospital.  I believe it was shortly after 3pm when the surgeon himself appeared before us and asked us to follow him.  We all stood and walked down the quiet empty hallway after him as he lead us to a private conference room where we sat to learn the fate of our dad.  “the surgery was more complicated then we expected”, is what I remember his first words to be, “imagine taking a piece of tape and sticking it to a flat surface such as this table, and then pressing it down firmly and letting it sit for awhile, now try and remove that piece of tape.  It comes up in tiny pieces, and is very sticky and hard to remove.  It takes precision to remove that piece of tape. This is what your dad’s tumor was like” He went on to explain to us that for almost 6 hours he had to remove tiny pieces of the tumor one at a time.  Although the scans had made it look like it would be a fairly easily removable tumor it was an entirely different story once they got in there.  Dr. Stevens was however happy with the outcome, and assured us he felt confident he got it all.  He advised us that 10 days of radiation directly to the brain would be necessary in order to be sure that all cancer cells were killed off.  The feeling of relief was unbelievable.  We all made phone calls with excitement in our voice to tell the people we loved that the surgery had been successful.  My sister in law, and husband made there way to London and my other sister in law headed over from work and we all went out for a celebratory dinner.  It would be a few hours before we could see dad in recovery so we decided a few drinks were in order. 

When we arrived back at the hospital we were told we could go in to see dad 2 at a time, so mom and I walked in first.  There was dad laying in bed with his head wrapped in white bandages and he looked so fragile.  When we got to his bedside I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness upon seeing him in this state, only a few hours earlier I kissed my dad for what would be the last time I would ever see him as himself.