Taking steps forward

To pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start over is a truly undaunting task.  It can be done, with perseverance and a strong mind.  That of which I did not have for a very long time, but I feel it coming.  Each day I tell myself I have to.  For my husband, my children and most importantly for me.  It's so easy for people to say that my dad would want me to move on and keep living my life but do people truly understand how hard that is unless they have lived that situation?  In speaking to an old neighbour today she was telling me of the recent loss of her father and my heart broke for her.  She tried to explain how she was feeling since his passing and I summed it up by saying "It just sucks" and she smiled and said "that's exactly right, it does suck". 
Life is so precious, regardless of age losing a parent is not easy.  She explained that someone once told her that in fact it does not get easier to lose someone once they are elder as you have just had that many more years to love them and it actually makes it harder.  I don't think the time you spent with someone should determine how much you should miss them, the memories you made and the love you shared make losing someone difficult for everyone no matter who they are. 
I had my dad for 30 wonderful years, he was an inspiration and he didn't deserve to die at 60. 
I feel like I am hitting a turning point in my recovery.  No one will ever know how much this writing has done for me, to be able to put down my inner most thoughts and truly put myself out there has been so inspiring.  I am making the conscious decision to start over.  I have joined a gym, I truly feel that making an effort to make change will help immensely in my healing. I am truly going to push forward, and I intend to make a difference with this writing, as the difference it has made in me is heavenly.  I do my best daily to try and make positive choices and embrace the day.  Then life throws in a rainy day and I feel myself slip.  One cloudy, rainy day...
Yesterday my daughter was home sick and it was a dreary rainy day, we lay on the couch relaxing and watching Dora when she went over to the movie shelf and pulled out a DVD for us to watch, it was the slide show that was made for my dad's funeral.  I have only watched this DVD once and that was the day of my dad's funeral.  I'm not really sure why I haven't watched it yet, but like I said before I couldn't even look at his pictures for a very long time.  So I agreed to watch it with her.  As upsetting as it was to see, it's amazing how I was able to watch it through a different set of eyes as the last time.  I cried throughout the playing of the movie, partly because of the significance of the songs that were chosen to play and also just seeing all those pictures opened the flood gates  However, I really was able to truly appreciated each and every picture and envision where the photo was taken and what we were doing at the time of it.  I laughed a few times, and took pride in telling Charlee who was in each shot and what papa was doing in some of them.  Being able to share that with my daughter was very special.  As I said in my eulogy at my dad's funeral I will speak of you often so that your grandchildren shall never forget you.  It is true, we do speak of him.. but not often, not as much as I intended to.  So to watch this movie with her and see her smile at the pictures of him, she just lit up.  It saddened me that he will not see her grow up, as she has so many of his silly characteristics in herself.  He would really get a kick out of her. 
She loves him still so much, and she hasn't seen him in over a year.  It's amazing how she can remember him since she was not quite 2 when he left us.  That's the lasting impression he left.  That is the impression he wanted me to live up to, and that is why I am choosing to dust myself off and move on.  I am hoping to begin to move past the anger that still overtakes me at times, and truly begin to love life again.  In the days to come I am choosing to share his journey again.  In an attempt to deal one more time with the true feelings I have regarding the process we went through during his fight.  The term "to beat a dead horse" has come to my mind, as I feel sometimes like I should just move past this but to be honest, me talking about this truly IS me moving past it. 
The process is significant, and one I am facing daily in taking steps forward...