When you reach the point in your life when you start seeing your dreams and visions coming to fruition its a very rewarding feeling. Things in the past few months have progressively gotten better in some aspects of my life, while other parts have managed to hit bottom. In the midst of a lot of positive things happening for me there are parts of my life that are struggling. It's such a battle when I am in such a good place with myself, but other parts of my life seem to continue to hold me down. Hard to find a balance some days. Working on myself daily has helped me grow into the person I have always wanted to be but never felt I could be. Mind over matter is harder than it sounds!
But I've learned a few valuable lessons, in that what you put out there you get back. I'm tired of the Woe is me attitude I carried for so long. It gets old, but sometimes it's very hard to get past.
What helped me was finding something, solely for me. I needed something all for myself, something to call my own. More than a hobby, it has to be something that actually satisfies you, Something that you look forward to regardless of what else is happening in your life. It's your solace.
When you find something that gratifies you, it's amazing how your life can turn around. At least in my case, I can tell you I have never felt better, Stronger, and more confident.
Trust me, things are not picture perfect so don't for one second think that I'm not still dealing with crap, I've just chosen to focus on all the good, and let all that other stuff work itself out.
Figuring out how to do that has taken me what feels like a lifetime to do, we spend so much time searching for greatness but little do we know we all have it in ourselves, we just need to figure out a way to channel it and bring it to the surface.
This journey for me has been more than an eye opener, you see it has showed me so much about myself. I've had to go through the worst to discover the best. It's also amazing to me how a process like this will put so much into perspective. I'm now putting more importance into smaller things than I ever have.
Now I want to help people learn that every bad situation does in fact have a silver lining, you may not be able to see it at the time but life lessons are everywhere!
As you think, so you shall be - Dr. Wayne Dyer
Most profound words I have heard.
Don't ever sit back and wait for your life to change.
There are great things waiting for you!
Short but sweet today, nice to be back~
Tuesday, 23 January 2018
Tuesday, 28 March 2017
Motivation
So it's really no secret I have been on a bit of a high lately, this change in me has been something I've prayed for, for years! In a time of year where I am usually as low as the weather, I am actually feeling better than I have in years.
My enthusiasm for helping others, and writing has been abundantly fueled by a fundraiser I recently attended. Have you ever met someone and felt like you have an overwhelming connection to them? I'm not talking about your husband, wife, or significant other. I mean meeting someone who speaks to your soul! Like you've been destined to have them enter your life, and they are there for a reason. I have met this person. She may not know it, but every time we are together and I hear her speak it solidifies all the dreams I've had rolling through my head for so long now. I can just imagine all the raised eyebrows happening.
Let me Rewind....
I believe my purpose is to help people, possibly a healer, maybe just a motivational speaker, or someone who just strives to make people feel better about themselves. I've felt this way for quite some time. It really happened when I started getting feedback from my blog. Amazingly enough my words helped others. Bottom line. This was astonishing to me, actually made me feel a little uneasy at first as I took what felt like quite a burden onto my self to make sure I didn't say anything really offside, or offensive, but truthfully people just understood and were able to relate to what I said. This is no revolution, it is no secret that people are affected by others words. This just drives home the fact that everyone needs to be very cognitive of what they have to say to and about others. As easy as my words may help others, the wrong choice of words at the wrong time can be all that's needed to push one to a point of helplessness.
The pressure that goes along with me choosing to continue with this blog and put myself out there very publicly for judgement puts me in a place that I need be able to handle the words that come at me. It's also something that made writing for me very rewarding but very intimidating. A double edge sword one might say.
Now to move forward slightly It's no secret I struggle with my idea of what I want to do when I grow up, let me be clear I understand my role as a Mother and a wife. I understand that I bear a certain responsibility to the household. So is it wrong of me to be very determined to find a suitable way to make my life by doing things that I utterly enjoy and that fulfill me?
I'd like to think that my future self would be egging me on and encouraging me to take this leap as they can see the positive outcome that awaits me.
Now to present day, I have had a few opportunities that have presented themselves to me and I am at a point where I simply have nothing to lose, and I want to make damn sure I never regret a thing.
I love sharing my story..
I love it because, knowing that there could be someone else out there reading one of my posts, who is at their rock bottom. Who doesn't know their purpose, or what their supposed to do, how to cope, or if anyone cares to listen. Struggling with a mid life mini crisis, or just feeling unappreciated.
I would like to be the one who gives them a calming feeling knowing that someone out there has had similar feelings to them.
I want women to know that they are beautiful and strong regardless of their shape and size, hair color, clothing, or color of skin.
I really want my daughter (and Son for that matter) to grow up strong and aware of the fact that people everywhere will have an opinion on almost everything they do. I want my kids to always respect others opinions but know theirs' is the one that matters.
I want them to know that the pressures of the world can sometimes be too much, and that talking to someone about it will never be admonished.
Most importantly I want them to know it's ok to strive to make a difference. You may fail many times, but what matters is that you don't give up.
How many of you knew that in the past 3 months there has been 2 students commit suicide at the University of Waterloo? In Woodstock last summer 5 young people committed suicide in a 4 month span.
This is why I want to do this. I want everyone to know the value of their life. It's a powerful message, but one that obviously isn't being shared enough.
When I met her, the first time I sat in that chair and we talked she had me convinced that we had been very close friends in a past life. We shared the same values regarding these issues, we both had visions of what we wanted to do with our time here. She had never read my blog. We hit it off instantly. The biggest difference between her and I, was she has already started making a difference.
This past weekend, I attended her very successful Little Black Dress Fundraiser. This event which she has held for the past few years is a fundraiser for the Canadian Mental Health Association. Can you see now why I believe we were meant to meet each other? This event to empower women, is her dream, that she has put into place. It has inspired me.
I am more determined than ever to get people talking. I am going to make myself available to speak to anyone who needs someone to talk to. For whatever reason, with out judgement. Just to be a friend.
I downloaded an app earlier this week, and created my own quote which has become sort of a signature for me lately.
My enthusiasm for helping others, and writing has been abundantly fueled by a fundraiser I recently attended. Have you ever met someone and felt like you have an overwhelming connection to them? I'm not talking about your husband, wife, or significant other. I mean meeting someone who speaks to your soul! Like you've been destined to have them enter your life, and they are there for a reason. I have met this person. She may not know it, but every time we are together and I hear her speak it solidifies all the dreams I've had rolling through my head for so long now. I can just imagine all the raised eyebrows happening.
Let me Rewind....
I believe my purpose is to help people, possibly a healer, maybe just a motivational speaker, or someone who just strives to make people feel better about themselves. I've felt this way for quite some time. It really happened when I started getting feedback from my blog. Amazingly enough my words helped others. Bottom line. This was astonishing to me, actually made me feel a little uneasy at first as I took what felt like quite a burden onto my self to make sure I didn't say anything really offside, or offensive, but truthfully people just understood and were able to relate to what I said. This is no revolution, it is no secret that people are affected by others words. This just drives home the fact that everyone needs to be very cognitive of what they have to say to and about others. As easy as my words may help others, the wrong choice of words at the wrong time can be all that's needed to push one to a point of helplessness.
The pressure that goes along with me choosing to continue with this blog and put myself out there very publicly for judgement puts me in a place that I need be able to handle the words that come at me. It's also something that made writing for me very rewarding but very intimidating. A double edge sword one might say.
Now to move forward slightly It's no secret I struggle with my idea of what I want to do when I grow up, let me be clear I understand my role as a Mother and a wife. I understand that I bear a certain responsibility to the household. So is it wrong of me to be very determined to find a suitable way to make my life by doing things that I utterly enjoy and that fulfill me?
I'd like to think that my future self would be egging me on and encouraging me to take this leap as they can see the positive outcome that awaits me.
Now to present day, I have had a few opportunities that have presented themselves to me and I am at a point where I simply have nothing to lose, and I want to make damn sure I never regret a thing.
I love sharing my story..
I love it because, knowing that there could be someone else out there reading one of my posts, who is at their rock bottom. Who doesn't know their purpose, or what their supposed to do, how to cope, or if anyone cares to listen. Struggling with a mid life mini crisis, or just feeling unappreciated.
I would like to be the one who gives them a calming feeling knowing that someone out there has had similar feelings to them.
I want women to know that they are beautiful and strong regardless of their shape and size, hair color, clothing, or color of skin.
I really want my daughter (and Son for that matter) to grow up strong and aware of the fact that people everywhere will have an opinion on almost everything they do. I want my kids to always respect others opinions but know theirs' is the one that matters.
I want them to know that the pressures of the world can sometimes be too much, and that talking to someone about it will never be admonished.
Most importantly I want them to know it's ok to strive to make a difference. You may fail many times, but what matters is that you don't give up.
How many of you knew that in the past 3 months there has been 2 students commit suicide at the University of Waterloo? In Woodstock last summer 5 young people committed suicide in a 4 month span.
This is why I want to do this. I want everyone to know the value of their life. It's a powerful message, but one that obviously isn't being shared enough.
When I met her, the first time I sat in that chair and we talked she had me convinced that we had been very close friends in a past life. We shared the same values regarding these issues, we both had visions of what we wanted to do with our time here. She had never read my blog. We hit it off instantly. The biggest difference between her and I, was she has already started making a difference.
This past weekend, I attended her very successful Little Black Dress Fundraiser. This event which she has held for the past few years is a fundraiser for the Canadian Mental Health Association. Can you see now why I believe we were meant to meet each other? This event to empower women, is her dream, that she has put into place. It has inspired me.
I am more determined than ever to get people talking. I am going to make myself available to speak to anyone who needs someone to talk to. For whatever reason, with out judgement. Just to be a friend.
I downloaded an app earlier this week, and created my own quote which has become sort of a signature for me lately.
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Behind the Smile
You'd think she has it all, judging by her smile. What you fail to see is that the confidence she exudes hides the truth. It is nothing but a mere mask, that covers each fear and uncertainty.
Her presence lights up a room, and draws in the crowds.
Envious onlookers are intimidated by her presence, by her confidence.
But the pain is real, and somedays the struggle too much
How can one with so much, feel so little
She cries out for help, but it's silenced.
No one understands, yet everyone understands, not chosing to admit it.
The truth forever hidden, behind the smile
These are my words.
I chose to share them, because even though these are my words, they are also the words of so many others.
How many sit in silence? Afraid to speak.
People will judge, they see what they want to see with no concept into the truth. They see what we want them to see.
That girl who looks like she has it all, so put together and loving life may be harboring terrible life experiences, pain and angst. So be kind.
This was me, and still is on occasion. These very raw words are a vision into my soul, the way things were, the ways things are.
And I'm not ashamed. That's part of my story, it's what makes me, me.
I have so much to enjoy.
I'm now choosing to live each day, because I know life is unexpected. Nothing is promised. That doesn't mean I don't face struggles, on the daily.
I mean, who doesn't? Really.. No one has a Perfect Life.. That doesn't exist.
So why not live?
That's what I chose, I chose Life.
I've decided I want to do everything I can while I'm here.
My last post talked about the struggle of growing up, and not knowing where my life is going. I believe I have come to a realization that life is whatever you make of it. It will be as good or as bad as you let it be. So just choose to enjoy it.
Since my last post I was approached by someone asking me if I would be interested in writing a memoir...
My response to this request was that I needed to think about it, and that's what I did... That's all I did. I weighed out the responsibility that would come with this, and thought about the consequence of screwing it up, and then it hit me. What the hell is holding me back?
If I learned anything from my dad's death it's that we don't know when our story ends.
So I'm ready to dive in.
One last thing,
go out of your way to be the person you want your kids to grow up to be. My kids have seen me at my lowest, and I've been very open with them as I've regained my life. They will know the struggles that exist in life. I will not shelter them. They will see that it is ok to not be ok and to talk about it. I will do my best to break down this stigma in my home.
My kids are my most valued treasure, and I owe it to them to be honest.
They will grow up to know that there is always something, Behind the Smile.
Her presence lights up a room, and draws in the crowds.
Envious onlookers are intimidated by her presence, by her confidence.
But the pain is real, and somedays the struggle too much
How can one with so much, feel so little
She cries out for help, but it's silenced.
No one understands, yet everyone understands, not chosing to admit it.
The truth forever hidden, behind the smile
These are my words.
I chose to share them, because even though these are my words, they are also the words of so many others.
How many sit in silence? Afraid to speak.
People will judge, they see what they want to see with no concept into the truth. They see what we want them to see.
That girl who looks like she has it all, so put together and loving life may be harboring terrible life experiences, pain and angst. So be kind.
This was me, and still is on occasion. These very raw words are a vision into my soul, the way things were, the ways things are.
And I'm not ashamed. That's part of my story, it's what makes me, me.
I have so much to enjoy.
I'm now choosing to live each day, because I know life is unexpected. Nothing is promised. That doesn't mean I don't face struggles, on the daily.
I mean, who doesn't? Really.. No one has a Perfect Life.. That doesn't exist.
So why not live?
That's what I chose, I chose Life.
I've decided I want to do everything I can while I'm here.
My last post talked about the struggle of growing up, and not knowing where my life is going. I believe I have come to a realization that life is whatever you make of it. It will be as good or as bad as you let it be. So just choose to enjoy it.
Since my last post I was approached by someone asking me if I would be interested in writing a memoir...
My response to this request was that I needed to think about it, and that's what I did... That's all I did. I weighed out the responsibility that would come with this, and thought about the consequence of screwing it up, and then it hit me. What the hell is holding me back?
If I learned anything from my dad's death it's that we don't know when our story ends.
So I'm ready to dive in.
One last thing,
go out of your way to be the person you want your kids to grow up to be. My kids have seen me at my lowest, and I've been very open with them as I've regained my life. They will know the struggles that exist in life. I will not shelter them. They will see that it is ok to not be ok and to talk about it. I will do my best to break down this stigma in my home.
My kids are my most valued treasure, and I owe it to them to be honest.
They will grow up to know that there is always something, Behind the Smile.
Wednesday, 1 February 2017
When an Opportunity Presents itself
I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, this statement was tested when I went through the loss of my dad, as I couldn't imagine what the "reason" behind that could possibly be. The past 5 years have been spent re-evaluating myself, my relationships, and my self worth. I have come to the realization that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I must take each day as it comes as I can not change what the outcome will be.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.
Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned. Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me. I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction. I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.
I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life. Start living, and stop moaning about it. It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence. The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk. Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself. You just now need to enjoy yourself. Do what you want, when you want. Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)
I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down. Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing. Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related. I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to. That's pretty fricking amazing. I did that.
And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you? Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.
I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing. One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me. Her words were enough to stop me. For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.
Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself. I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions. People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing. If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something. Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.
So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words. I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all. I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone. (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better. Have an opinion, but choose your words. If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.
In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.
Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned. Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me. I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction. I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.
I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life. Start living, and stop moaning about it. It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence. The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk. Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself. You just now need to enjoy yourself. Do what you want, when you want. Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)
I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down. Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing. Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related. I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to. That's pretty fricking amazing. I did that.
And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you? Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.
I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing. One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me. Her words were enough to stop me. For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.
Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself. I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions. People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing. If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something. Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.
So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words. I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all. I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone. (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better. Have an opinion, but choose your words. If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.
In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
The things your missing..
Dear Dad,
Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone. He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had. That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him. He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you! He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old. He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused. He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association. I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!
When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go. It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see. It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me. Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going. I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me. Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room. That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing. I don't need to tell you that.
Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.
Love you Dad
Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone. He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had. That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him. He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you! He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old. He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused. He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association. I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!
When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go. It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see. It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me. Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going. I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me. Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room. That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing. I don't need to tell you that.
Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.
Love you Dad
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
My Angel are you~
A Fathers Day Poem I wrote for my dad, who is still on my mind constantly..
Missing your voice,
and missing your smile
Thinking of you more
than just once in awhile
My sad days get
further and further apart
The ache gets more
subtle deep down in my heart
Life has gone on, the
grief process traveled
at moments my life
seemed to be unraveled
Tears still come at
times without warning
I smile through it
though it’s a sign of mourning
It is hard to find
the words to convey
The feelings inside
me as I think of fathers day
A true friend at
nature, A role model too
From the day I was
born my love for you grew
Sacred is the bond
between a daughter and her dad
The everlasting
connection we will forever have
Your time was too
short here, our story not through
I still feel you with
me
My angel are you.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Coming Full Circle
It started from the day my dad was diagnosed... the moment we heard the word Cancer I plunged into step 1 of the grief process without ever knowing it. For me, this step lasted almost until the end. Shock & Denial... That dreadful moment when you learn something so horrible that you can't possibly believe it so you instantly go into shock and denial. Most people may not even realize they have already started to grieve when there loved one is still here and alive. Each day as it played out I prayed I would wake up and realize it was all just a dream. (shock) Having thoughts that this can't be happening to me (denial)...
Then the pain kicks in, the final days of my dad's life watching him suffer and knowing the end was near the guilt of feeling like more should have been done. This is when I entered step 2... Pain & guilt
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
Then the inevitable happened, my dad passed away... I use the word inevitable because at the end the doctors offered no hope to us. After months of hearing that my dad had a chance, positively speaking they were optimistic. We heard what we never wanted to hear... "there's nothing more we can do"
When I watched my dad take his last breathe I was hurled into step 3, anger!
For me this step was my time to lash out at each and every doctor who was ever involved in my dad's case. For every positive comment, for each reassurance we received, for all the confusion masked by medical jargon, I became angry. I had so much blame to cast to each one of them who told me my dad would beat this.
I wonder now looking back if it is possible to be stuck in 3 steps all at the same time... To me I was.
The shock & Denial kicked back in, along with the anger and extreme pain! After he was gone it was such a flurry of all these emotions.
Step 4 hit me like a rock from the moment I came down off the high I stayed in for 3 days during seemingly endless visitations and a very touching funeral. Little did I know that I was beginning what would be the hardest stage for me to get through, Depression.
This period of time was very dark for me, I simply shut out the world, my family, my friends and even my kids and I gave up. Some days I tried... Tried to get up without wanting to scream, tried to work without wanting to cry, it didn't work. Most of the time I spent in this depression was spent crying, or feeling sorry for myself. I read and researched, did therapy, took anti-depressant meds, in a way, looking back now they did help, though at the time I didn't think they did. Grief is a horrible, depression is worse. It took a lot of inner strength to find my way back to life. Truly I think my grief progressed through the depression and I just woke up and decided life had to go on.
I have grieved, through all the stages in that process, sometimes remaining stuck for months without moving forward. Those steps, have led me to where I am today.
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
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