You'd think she has it all, judging by her smile. What you fail to see is that the confidence she exudes hides the truth. It is nothing but a mere mask, that covers each fear and uncertainty.
Her presence lights up a room, and draws in the crowds.
Envious onlookers are intimidated by her presence, by her confidence.
But the pain is real, and somedays the struggle too much
How can one with so much, feel so little
She cries out for help, but it's silenced.
No one understands, yet everyone understands, not chosing to admit it.
The truth forever hidden, behind the smile
These are my words.
I chose to share them, because even though these are my words, they are also the words of so many others.
How many sit in silence? Afraid to speak.
People will judge, they see what they want to see with no concept into the truth. They see what we want them to see.
That girl who looks like she has it all, so put together and loving life may be harboring terrible life experiences, pain and angst. So be kind.
This was me, and still is on occasion. These very raw words are a vision into my soul, the way things were, the ways things are.
And I'm not ashamed. That's part of my story, it's what makes me, me.
I have so much to enjoy.
I'm now choosing to live each day, because I know life is unexpected. Nothing is promised. That doesn't mean I don't face struggles, on the daily.
I mean, who doesn't? Really.. No one has a Perfect Life.. That doesn't exist.
So why not live?
That's what I chose, I chose Life.
I've decided I want to do everything I can while I'm here.
My last post talked about the struggle of growing up, and not knowing where my life is going. I believe I have come to a realization that life is whatever you make of it. It will be as good or as bad as you let it be. So just choose to enjoy it.
Since my last post I was approached by someone asking me if I would be interested in writing a memoir...
My response to this request was that I needed to think about it, and that's what I did... That's all I did. I weighed out the responsibility that would come with this, and thought about the consequence of screwing it up, and then it hit me. What the hell is holding me back?
If I learned anything from my dad's death it's that we don't know when our story ends.
So I'm ready to dive in.
One last thing,
go out of your way to be the person you want your kids to grow up to be. My kids have seen me at my lowest, and I've been very open with them as I've regained my life. They will know the struggles that exist in life. I will not shelter them. They will see that it is ok to not be ok and to talk about it. I will do my best to break down this stigma in my home.
My kids are my most valued treasure, and I owe it to them to be honest.
They will grow up to know that there is always something, Behind the Smile.
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Wednesday, 1 February 2017
When an Opportunity Presents itself
I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, this statement was tested when I went through the loss of my dad, as I couldn't imagine what the "reason" behind that could possibly be. The past 5 years have been spent re-evaluating myself, my relationships, and my self worth. I have come to the realization that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I must take each day as it comes as I can not change what the outcome will be.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.
Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned. Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me. I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction. I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.
I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life. Start living, and stop moaning about it. It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence. The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk. Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself. You just now need to enjoy yourself. Do what you want, when you want. Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)
I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down. Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing. Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related. I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to. That's pretty fricking amazing. I did that.
And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you? Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.
I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing. One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me. Her words were enough to stop me. For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.
Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself. I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions. People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing. If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something. Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.
So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words. I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all. I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone. (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better. Have an opinion, but choose your words. If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.
In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.
Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned. Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me. I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction. I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.
I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life. Start living, and stop moaning about it. It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence. The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk. Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself. You just now need to enjoy yourself. Do what you want, when you want. Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)
I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down. Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing. Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related. I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to. That's pretty fricking amazing. I did that.
And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you? Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.
I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing. One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me. Her words were enough to stop me. For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.
Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself. I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions. People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing. If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something. Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.
So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words. I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all. I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone. (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better. Have an opinion, but choose your words. If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.
In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
The things your missing..
Dear Dad,
Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone. He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had. That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him. He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you! He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old. He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused. He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association. I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!
When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go. It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see. It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me. Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going. I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me. Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room. That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing. I don't need to tell you that.
Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.
Love you Dad
Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone. He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had. That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him. He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you! He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old. He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused. He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association. I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!
When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go. It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see. It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me. Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going. I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me. Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room. That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing. I don't need to tell you that.
Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.
Love you Dad
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
My Angel are you~
A Fathers Day Poem I wrote for my dad, who is still on my mind constantly..
Missing your voice,
and missing your smile
Thinking of you more
than just once in awhile
My sad days get
further and further apart
The ache gets more
subtle deep down in my heart
Life has gone on, the
grief process traveled
at moments my life
seemed to be unraveled
Tears still come at
times without warning
I smile through it
though it’s a sign of mourning
It is hard to find
the words to convey
The feelings inside
me as I think of fathers day
A true friend at
nature, A role model too
From the day I was
born my love for you grew
Sacred is the bond
between a daughter and her dad
The everlasting
connection we will forever have
Your time was too
short here, our story not through
I still feel you with
me
My angel are you.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Coming Full Circle
It started from the day my dad was diagnosed... the moment we heard the word Cancer I plunged into step 1 of the grief process without ever knowing it. For me, this step lasted almost until the end. Shock & Denial... That dreadful moment when you learn something so horrible that you can't possibly believe it so you instantly go into shock and denial. Most people may not even realize they have already started to grieve when there loved one is still here and alive. Each day as it played out I prayed I would wake up and realize it was all just a dream. (shock) Having thoughts that this can't be happening to me (denial)...
Then the pain kicks in, the final days of my dad's life watching him suffer and knowing the end was near the guilt of feeling like more should have been done. This is when I entered step 2... Pain & guilt
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
Then the inevitable happened, my dad passed away... I use the word inevitable because at the end the doctors offered no hope to us. After months of hearing that my dad had a chance, positively speaking they were optimistic. We heard what we never wanted to hear... "there's nothing more we can do"
When I watched my dad take his last breathe I was hurled into step 3, anger!
For me this step was my time to lash out at each and every doctor who was ever involved in my dad's case. For every positive comment, for each reassurance we received, for all the confusion masked by medical jargon, I became angry. I had so much blame to cast to each one of them who told me my dad would beat this.
I wonder now looking back if it is possible to be stuck in 3 steps all at the same time... To me I was.
The shock & Denial kicked back in, along with the anger and extreme pain! After he was gone it was such a flurry of all these emotions.
Step 4 hit me like a rock from the moment I came down off the high I stayed in for 3 days during seemingly endless visitations and a very touching funeral. Little did I know that I was beginning what would be the hardest stage for me to get through, Depression.
This period of time was very dark for me, I simply shut out the world, my family, my friends and even my kids and I gave up. Some days I tried... Tried to get up without wanting to scream, tried to work without wanting to cry, it didn't work. Most of the time I spent in this depression was spent crying, or feeling sorry for myself. I read and researched, did therapy, took anti-depressant meds, in a way, looking back now they did help, though at the time I didn't think they did. Grief is a horrible, depression is worse. It took a lot of inner strength to find my way back to life. Truly I think my grief progressed through the depression and I just woke up and decided life had to go on.
I have grieved, through all the stages in that process, sometimes remaining stuck for months without moving forward. Those steps, have led me to where I am today.
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Tis the Season~
I have touched a nerve lately on the subject of the teachers striking. Let me start by saying, I am not a teacher, I chose not to be a teacher, and I do value the teachers that my children have and My friends who are teachers as they hold a lot of merit in my eyes. They educate and help raise our children. That is invaluable in my eyes. The point I have obviously been unclear in making is that in all the children are the ones being affected the most. I hope at some point very soon, the teachers union, and the government will come to an amicable agreement. This is all I have to say on this matter. I apologize if I offended any teachers as this was not my purpose in expressing my opinion. As someone put it "I am a lioness who is protecting her children"
Todays post is a very important one to me and I do hope that all of you read it and read it carefully. Alot has happened over the past few days, weeks, and months, that have led up to this post. Events that have happened or are happening in the world. People, stop for a second and pause to remember these events.
There was a time in life when things seemed easy, were easy, life was fun, people got along, or at least that's what I want to think. People had jobs, were happy they had jobs, and felt secure in their jobs. Lots of people are feeling the tough economical times, and find themselves living paycheque to paycheque. People are battling an illness that everyone is to afraid to talk about.
Today as I sit here in my house, feeling under the weather and looking out to a cloudy dreary day I have to think about all these issues. I go back to when the life ahead of me was an adventure. Growing up I longed for marriage, children, a job I loved, and enough money to live comfortably. What I never dreamed of was a life of suicide, losing my dad, constant money troubles, people shooting up schools & malls, it's terrible.
Now I'm an adult and have a family of my own, my opinion and values have changed. Things that were once important to me, are no longer. My opinion towards mental health has been supreceded by my own life experiences, my oblivion to the world around me has been changed by tragic events that unfold almost daily in the world, and my concern for making ends meet has been a constant struggle.
Life in general is seeming to be alot harder than what I signed up for.
Let me start with the fact that people are losing jobs at an increasing rate, people are living off nothing, and there are people struggling to just keep food on the table. Yet we fight over wages, paid sick days, and the ability to negotiate a contract. Everyday our unemployment offices are flooded with people who have anything from a highschool diploma to a university degree, who can not find work. Factories are closing all over the place because the items we depend on can be made for pennies in foreign lands. Students are spending half their early adulthood in school to educate themselves and can't get a job. There are not enough doctors, and in our automotive industry we have people who have worked for decades building us reliable vehicles in our backyard and are now out of work with a days notice so that the big 3 can save a buck. What ever happened to supporting local?? How about employing local? Money talks! I know it, and you know it. It's just unfortunate that this is what we have all come to. I know, times have changed and I know that things cost more and people make less. That my friends is the world we have all created. People have let the all mighty dollar shadow their fundamentals. In my opinon.
Over the past year it saddens me to say that I have seen far too many lives lost at the hand of someone suffering mental illness who had access to a gun(s). In the past week, I have paid close attention to CNN watching the coverage in Connecticut. Unfortunately this horrific event is not the first of it's kind. In my opinion the shooter doesn't even deserve the time I am taking to write this, however the fact of the matter is a sane person does not commit an act like this. Mental Illness is all around us, and it's scary for all involved. It's scary for the person it affects, the people around them, and society at large. It is such a diverse disease, and I guess the best way to explain it is to think of cancer. You can say you have cancer, but there are 200 different types of cancer that can affect a person. You can say you have mental illness, and the list of 'types' is endless. It's sad to think now that after losing my dad I sat in my own bubble of depression and didn't talk about it. Makes me even sadder to think about all the hundreds of thousands of people in the world who are sitting in that same bubble right now.. Wondering how to cope. Some will commit suicide, some will reach out for help or write a blog, some will grab a gun and do the unthinkable, and others will just continue to live in that bubble afraid to speak out. If more people talked, if more people listened and if more people reached out, maybe a few more people would pop that bubble and reach out for help. I'm not going to save the world with this blog, hell I'm probably wearing out my welcome with some of my readers. The point is I did reach out, I did ask for help, I found a way to express myself through writing and it has been a saviour. Now I am determined to help someone else. People don't have to be afraid of speaking out, they have to be afraid of NOT speaking out. It's scary to think that someone feels they have the right to grab a semi-automatic from the closet and make a class of 6 year olds their targets. This boy needed help and for whatever reason didn't get it. His resentment, anger, and sickness lead to the events that took place. There are kids being bullied so badly that they go home from school and hang themselves in the closets. What is happening to this world!
The way the world is going right now, makes me fear for the future of my children.. At their innocent ages of 6 & 4 I have shielded them from the media reports of the massacre in Connecticut. I don't even know how to begin to explain that to them. I want to keep them from the worries of the world, and protect them from bullies. They have seen me go through the worst time in my life, and I have talked to them in depth about my feelings and why I have acted the way I have. I assured them that we will get through this as I know we will, but I can't promise that I can get them through the dissapointments they are bound to face as they grow. What I can do is make sure they know that talking is the key, feelings are meant to be shared, and never to be afraid to speak up.
For all that's going on in the world, it is the Holiday season and we need to be thankful for the family we have.
I pray for the parents who have lost children, for the children who have lost a parent, and for those kids that are sitting in their bubble watching this killer being put into the spot light and planning their own legacy, I pray that someone can reach out to them before we see another tragedy occur. I pray for kids being bullied, for people struggling to provide a happy Christmas for their kids and not having the money to provide it, and for the people who believe they have it all, I pray that those looking for work find it, and that those who have work are thankful for it.
I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas this year and hope that the New Year brings one less tragedy, one less war, one less impoverished family, tougher gun laws, and more awareness to Mental Health..
Jesse~
Todays post is a very important one to me and I do hope that all of you read it and read it carefully. Alot has happened over the past few days, weeks, and months, that have led up to this post. Events that have happened or are happening in the world. People, stop for a second and pause to remember these events.
There was a time in life when things seemed easy, were easy, life was fun, people got along, or at least that's what I want to think. People had jobs, were happy they had jobs, and felt secure in their jobs. Lots of people are feeling the tough economical times, and find themselves living paycheque to paycheque. People are battling an illness that everyone is to afraid to talk about.
Today as I sit here in my house, feeling under the weather and looking out to a cloudy dreary day I have to think about all these issues. I go back to when the life ahead of me was an adventure. Growing up I longed for marriage, children, a job I loved, and enough money to live comfortably. What I never dreamed of was a life of suicide, losing my dad, constant money troubles, people shooting up schools & malls, it's terrible.
Now I'm an adult and have a family of my own, my opinion and values have changed. Things that were once important to me, are no longer. My opinion towards mental health has been supreceded by my own life experiences, my oblivion to the world around me has been changed by tragic events that unfold almost daily in the world, and my concern for making ends meet has been a constant struggle.
Life in general is seeming to be alot harder than what I signed up for.
Let me start with the fact that people are losing jobs at an increasing rate, people are living off nothing, and there are people struggling to just keep food on the table. Yet we fight over wages, paid sick days, and the ability to negotiate a contract. Everyday our unemployment offices are flooded with people who have anything from a highschool diploma to a university degree, who can not find work. Factories are closing all over the place because the items we depend on can be made for pennies in foreign lands. Students are spending half their early adulthood in school to educate themselves and can't get a job. There are not enough doctors, and in our automotive industry we have people who have worked for decades building us reliable vehicles in our backyard and are now out of work with a days notice so that the big 3 can save a buck. What ever happened to supporting local?? How about employing local? Money talks! I know it, and you know it. It's just unfortunate that this is what we have all come to. I know, times have changed and I know that things cost more and people make less. That my friends is the world we have all created. People have let the all mighty dollar shadow their fundamentals. In my opinon.
Over the past year it saddens me to say that I have seen far too many lives lost at the hand of someone suffering mental illness who had access to a gun(s). In the past week, I have paid close attention to CNN watching the coverage in Connecticut. Unfortunately this horrific event is not the first of it's kind. In my opinion the shooter doesn't even deserve the time I am taking to write this, however the fact of the matter is a sane person does not commit an act like this. Mental Illness is all around us, and it's scary for all involved. It's scary for the person it affects, the people around them, and society at large. It is such a diverse disease, and I guess the best way to explain it is to think of cancer. You can say you have cancer, but there are 200 different types of cancer that can affect a person. You can say you have mental illness, and the list of 'types' is endless. It's sad to think now that after losing my dad I sat in my own bubble of depression and didn't talk about it. Makes me even sadder to think about all the hundreds of thousands of people in the world who are sitting in that same bubble right now.. Wondering how to cope. Some will commit suicide, some will reach out for help or write a blog, some will grab a gun and do the unthinkable, and others will just continue to live in that bubble afraid to speak out. If more people talked, if more people listened and if more people reached out, maybe a few more people would pop that bubble and reach out for help. I'm not going to save the world with this blog, hell I'm probably wearing out my welcome with some of my readers. The point is I did reach out, I did ask for help, I found a way to express myself through writing and it has been a saviour. Now I am determined to help someone else. People don't have to be afraid of speaking out, they have to be afraid of NOT speaking out. It's scary to think that someone feels they have the right to grab a semi-automatic from the closet and make a class of 6 year olds their targets. This boy needed help and for whatever reason didn't get it. His resentment, anger, and sickness lead to the events that took place. There are kids being bullied so badly that they go home from school and hang themselves in the closets. What is happening to this world!
The way the world is going right now, makes me fear for the future of my children.. At their innocent ages of 6 & 4 I have shielded them from the media reports of the massacre in Connecticut. I don't even know how to begin to explain that to them. I want to keep them from the worries of the world, and protect them from bullies. They have seen me go through the worst time in my life, and I have talked to them in depth about my feelings and why I have acted the way I have. I assured them that we will get through this as I know we will, but I can't promise that I can get them through the dissapointments they are bound to face as they grow. What I can do is make sure they know that talking is the key, feelings are meant to be shared, and never to be afraid to speak up.
For all that's going on in the world, it is the Holiday season and we need to be thankful for the family we have.
I pray for the parents who have lost children, for the children who have lost a parent, and for those kids that are sitting in their bubble watching this killer being put into the spot light and planning their own legacy, I pray that someone can reach out to them before we see another tragedy occur. I pray for kids being bullied, for people struggling to provide a happy Christmas for their kids and not having the money to provide it, and for the people who believe they have it all, I pray that those looking for work find it, and that those who have work are thankful for it.
I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas this year and hope that the New Year brings one less tragedy, one less war, one less impoverished family, tougher gun laws, and more awareness to Mental Health..
Jesse~
Sunday, 11 November 2012
An Ongoing Battle
So again I go MIA in the writing.. I guess life took over for awile and I put "me" on the back burner. This wasn't healthy for me, as I quickly spiraled downwards yet again... I guess it isn't a coincidence for me to come out with this on Remembrance day.. Since this day signifies the start to my depression.
I'm fighting a losing battle....
Feeling like I move a few steps foward, and then a dozen steps backwards is quickly becoming the norm for me. For so many reasons I should be over joyed, and yet a powerful strength seems to be holding me back from any happiness.
The constant struggles I face build up each day as the walls feel as though they are closing in on me. This can't be right, this feeling of utter despair, pity, self loathing... shall i go on
I'm just plain pissed off right now at myself, for letting things get to this point. Screaming and crying doesn't seem to help. What I need is a good kick in the ass!
It's amazing how many things in my daily life can contribute to my sadness.
Society these days seems to be trying harder to get the point out that it's ok to share feelings like this, but does it really make it ok? Do people really want to hear about others sadness.
Is it socially exceptable to share your sorrows with others? To let them into such a dark place in your life, and open up about being depressed? I think that the media is trying to make it more acceptable, but let's be realistic, how many people who are working on these media campagnes to sell the acceptance of depression, have actually dealt with it? Or are dealing with it?
I don't have that answer. What I do know is that for 2 years now I have tried to put on a happy face for people to let them see on the outside that I'm ok, when on the inside I am far from it.
It's so easy to hide behind a smile. I mean really, I don't want people's pity, I'm not looking for social acceptance.. I just want to feel better.
This is not something that I have been dealing with for many years, it all started with losing my dad. There can be an event in your life that's so traumatic to you that it opens up a new door. A sad side that can be so unbearable some days that it makes it tough to function. Thank god I have kids that give me a reason to get up each day. They don't understand, all they know is that mommy is sad sometimes.
Between anxiety and sadness it's like each day is endless, hours upon hours pass and the corner I feel backed into just keeps getting tighter.
Depression is an ugly hidden disease that is made worse by the fact that its not something others can see on the surface. Some people chose to hide their depression and retract, it's easier for them to ignore than to deal with it. The truth is for a long time that's how I chose to deal, but to be honest, the relief I feel talking about it is the best medicine I could take.
If more people made the decision to open up to someone I don't think we would see so many tragic outcomes from this disease. Embaressment plays a large factor in this. I know all to well how hard it is to face up to what I'm dealing with. With friends who are happy and succesful, and encountering people on a daily basis who love life (or appear to) it makes it harder to face. Maybe that's not fair of me to say, that everyone looks happy, I wonder how many people I come across on a daily basis face similar struggles to me but are not talking about it.
How do you deal with it if you can't talk about it? I feel like a bottle that has been shaken and ready to explode if I can't open up on here and share what I'm going through. This is my therapy...
Welcome to my messed up life..
My wish is that anyone who feels like they are backed into a corner, anxious and sad could find some solice in their life. Writing is an incredible way to let out your deepest feelings and emotions.
My goal for this has always been to try and help others, so I'm hoping to keep sharing my feelings, and hopefully things will sound more positive in my next post...
I'm fighting a losing battle....
Feeling like I move a few steps foward, and then a dozen steps backwards is quickly becoming the norm for me. For so many reasons I should be over joyed, and yet a powerful strength seems to be holding me back from any happiness.
The constant struggles I face build up each day as the walls feel as though they are closing in on me. This can't be right, this feeling of utter despair, pity, self loathing... shall i go on
I'm just plain pissed off right now at myself, for letting things get to this point. Screaming and crying doesn't seem to help. What I need is a good kick in the ass!
It's amazing how many things in my daily life can contribute to my sadness.
Society these days seems to be trying harder to get the point out that it's ok to share feelings like this, but does it really make it ok? Do people really want to hear about others sadness.
Is it socially exceptable to share your sorrows with others? To let them into such a dark place in your life, and open up about being depressed? I think that the media is trying to make it more acceptable, but let's be realistic, how many people who are working on these media campagnes to sell the acceptance of depression, have actually dealt with it? Or are dealing with it?
I don't have that answer. What I do know is that for 2 years now I have tried to put on a happy face for people to let them see on the outside that I'm ok, when on the inside I am far from it.
It's so easy to hide behind a smile. I mean really, I don't want people's pity, I'm not looking for social acceptance.. I just want to feel better.
This is not something that I have been dealing with for many years, it all started with losing my dad. There can be an event in your life that's so traumatic to you that it opens up a new door. A sad side that can be so unbearable some days that it makes it tough to function. Thank god I have kids that give me a reason to get up each day. They don't understand, all they know is that mommy is sad sometimes.
Between anxiety and sadness it's like each day is endless, hours upon hours pass and the corner I feel backed into just keeps getting tighter.
Depression is an ugly hidden disease that is made worse by the fact that its not something others can see on the surface. Some people chose to hide their depression and retract, it's easier for them to ignore than to deal with it. The truth is for a long time that's how I chose to deal, but to be honest, the relief I feel talking about it is the best medicine I could take.
If more people made the decision to open up to someone I don't think we would see so many tragic outcomes from this disease. Embaressment plays a large factor in this. I know all to well how hard it is to face up to what I'm dealing with. With friends who are happy and succesful, and encountering people on a daily basis who love life (or appear to) it makes it harder to face. Maybe that's not fair of me to say, that everyone looks happy, I wonder how many people I come across on a daily basis face similar struggles to me but are not talking about it.
How do you deal with it if you can't talk about it? I feel like a bottle that has been shaken and ready to explode if I can't open up on here and share what I'm going through. This is my therapy...
Welcome to my messed up life..
My wish is that anyone who feels like they are backed into a corner, anxious and sad could find some solice in their life. Writing is an incredible way to let out your deepest feelings and emotions.
My goal for this has always been to try and help others, so I'm hoping to keep sharing my feelings, and hopefully things will sound more positive in my next post...
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