Confidence is Scary

So I’ve been thinking, Maybe if we spent more time building each other up,
there would be less and
less people at the bottom?  When you hit your personal rock bottom it is a lonely place no matter how
many people you have in your support system. The hardest part of it all is struggling to still please
everyone, and keep a smile on your face.  When you lack the energy to make yourself feel better,
but you mustre up the energy to still be a mom, wife, and friend it is exhausting.
For so many people, this is reality.  
We are a harsh society, Period.

People can be judgemental because they lack the personal confidence to encourage themselves,
let alone others.  

One thing I’ve learned is that gaining a positive mindset has changed me.
 I had to train my mind to go
to a good place, to think good thoughts and that grew my confidence.  It is an everyday battle to stay
in this place, and with the judgement of others it makes the battle even harder.

Why are we so damn determined to beat each other down? That’s what I don’t understand.

I feel like when people get stuck somewhere in life, Metaphorically speaking, and it’s a place they
don’t like, it breaks them down internally and turns them into people they probably (hopefully) don't
want to be.  Who would ever choose to be a nasty hateful person? Is that something people wake up
in the morning and decide? I don’t think so, I believe it’s deep seeded within them based on their life.

So they had a tough life, and it’s worn them down and what, it takes more energy to be nice…

Is that it?

That’s actually scientifically proven to be wrong, or at least that’s what someone’s facebook post tells
me.  It takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile, which results in more work being put in to
being unhappy then happy.

SO, how do we help them? Kill em with kindness would be my obvious answer, but that may have a
lot to do with my inner smart ass.  Truthfully, it goes deeper than that. It’s like I said before, there is
likely less than 10% of the population (or at least that’s what I tell myself and my kids) that just want to
be miserable and spread hate through the world.

I may be completely naive but I do like to think we live in a better world then that.  I need to give my
kids at least some hope for what they are going to face in their future, and even though I know I may
not be able to change the rest of societies views, I can set them up for how to deal with it.  

I’m “momming” hard these days.

You know when they say stuff like, things happen for a reason, or, what’s meant to be will be.. I used
to think that was complete BULLSHIT.  Who doesn’t? Well oddly enough that was back when my
mindset wasn’t what it is now. I was one of “those” people who was unhappy with life. Not by choice,
or at least I don’t think it was.  

Growing up I feel as though I was an all around happy person.  I was very social and had many groups
of friends with whom I spent all my time with.  I just loved life. Or did I?

I’m forever grateful for the friends who were in my life growing up, especially grateful to those who
have stuck with me through all my rough days and for those who choose to still be here now,
I love you for that.
It must not be easy as I know I’ve went through times when I was not supportive or reliable.

Where I am now is where I want to be.  I am continuing to grow and life gets better daily.  I have let go
of any and all shame for sharing that, along with the people who have chosen to bow out, and I will
always be a huge cheerleader for anyone who is ready to get to this place themselves.  
Advocating for people’s happiness should never be something your ashamed of,
but there are always people who can’t ( or choose not to) support this.
Your prerogative

So for now I forge on…

I’m the only one who has a say in my happiness, and Dammit I am proud of that fact.  

This is what progress looks like

So today I decided to do things a little differently after a conversation last night with one of my best friends I realized that im not the only one who often has the feeling that you’re in a midlife crisis. 

I’ve wrote about this before about the uneasy feeling that lives inside of me, the feeling of unfulfillment the feeling that I’m not successful enough or like I have so much more I want to accomplish but i’m unsure how to accomplish it. 

So I’ve discovered that my problem is going from step A -which is me deciding what I want to do, to step B -which is me actually accomplishing said task. I think I lack the ability to put a plan into motion, this is my weakness. 

Which is weird because I’m a very well organized person.

 My plans usually sound really good and would make me feel very accomplished if I achieve them, but I don’t always get there. 

Sound familiar? It should. 

I’ve been writing about this in my blog for years now stating that I know that there’s more I’m supposed to be doing, I know that this isn’t “it”for me, and I know that I’m not alone when I say that. So now that I have activated my body and my mind is in a healthy state I am more excited than ever to finally put the steps in place in order to fulfill  all of my goals. 

I think what I’ve discovered is that baby steps are my key to success.  First off, let me explain what my goals are. This will help keep me accountable. 

It should be no surprise to any of you that I have a passion for helping people, I want to advocate for mental health, and I want to teach people about body image, self-confidence, and especially kindness as I used to lack all of the above. (Except kindness, I would like to believe I’ve always been kind) but I don’t feel like these things are discussed often enough. 

Believe it or not I am excited to speak in front of people and help them get to a healthier place in their life however it scares the hell out of me. I want to make an impression on people because I know what I’ve had to overcome to get to this place. I’ve lived through something I never thought I could.

I lost my dad, and It rocked my world. 

But I made it through, even though there was many times I wanted to give up, I had zero drive or ambition. To make it through a day it took everything in me.

 If you’ve never had depression or anxiety or any other sort of mental illness you’re very lucky for I think that there is more people faced with this then they choose to admit. 

I want to change that. 

I want to empower people to believe in themselves and realize that in order to start overcoming some of those demons you must start with yourself. For me a journey of personal growth has been the most beneficial part of my life. Starting with learning how to appreciate who I am, learning how to get rid of negative energy in my life and learning how to stop giving a shit about what other people thought of me.

 Of course I say that with the upmost respect but truthfully if more people just stopped worrying about what everyone else thought about them I’m sure their own image of themselves would become much brighter. Once you step out from behind the shadow of other peoples opinions it’s amazing how bright your days will become. Giving people that power over you is like adding more weights into the backpack that you’re carrying around every day, it weighs you down tires you out and it drains your energy. This is part one of the things that I want to help people understand. 

This will be a process and at this point I’m unsure what people’s response will be but I’m certain it will reach at least one person. That’s a victory. 

One small step for me one giant leap towards my goal 😉

So far I’ve survived 100% of my worst days, you can too 💛

Size 12 and Proud

Well, tonight we get Real! Filter is turned off, and I'm about to lay it out.
First let me tell you that on May 13, 2016 I made the conscious decision to quit smoking after being a smoker since the age of approx. 16.  Why now? you ask.  Truthfully I did this as a result of a conversation with my son.  Max came home from school one day with a booklet of information on the dangers of smoking.  He had been studying Smoking in health class that day and he was fueled with details of the ingredients that are in a cigarette.  It was not a conversation I wanted to have, but one I needed to have. He looked at me through his sad big brown eyes and said, "Mommy", I knew at this very moment what was coming, and I had already prepared myself for the answer.  "Will you please quit smoking?" That was it.  After all the times my kids had told me how bad I smelt, or the times we discussed how bad smoking was, this was the first time they had sat me down, showed me concrete evidence of how bad it was for me, and confidently asked me to Please, Quit Smoking!

The date was set, May 13 was the date picked.  It was 2 weeks from the day of this conversation, and also my dad's birthday.  The significance of this day couldn't have been more apparent.
I have had some mediocre attempts at quitting over the years, more of less I decided I was quitting on a Monday, and then when Friday rolled around and I had a few drinks it just seemed natural to light up again.  Other times it would be something stressful, or when I was anxiety ridden that I would turn to a cigarette for help.  Oddly enough, that addiction didn't have as much control over me as I thought it did.
In the weeks leading up to it I consciously cut back on it, knowing the day was coming, and knowing that I was only doing this once made it easier to turn my addiction off.
That morning I had to decide if I had quit already upon waking up? Or was I allowed to smoke for the day and then be done when I go to bed that night? It was really my choice, but seemed like quite a significant one.  I decided to indulge and let myself have the day, but when Max came home from school that would be it.

I can proudly say that 2 years later I am still smoke free! 

Still Smoke free, but carrying an extra 20 lbs.  WHAT??!! (Insert Sigh)
NOW... I don't say this to scare anyone, it is basically a proven fact that one leads to the other.  Smoking increases your metabolism, so when you quit it slows down.  There is also the obvious need to replace the habit, so putting food in my mouth every time I had a craving became quite normal.  I allowed myself to indulge a little more than I should and now here I am 2 years later attempting for the umpteenth time to attack this extra weight. Does this stress me out?? Not a chance!
I will slowly but surely get myself to my desired weight!

What I've learned in the past year, is to LOVE the body I have.  It is the way it is because I gave up a terrible habit.  I kicked smoking's ass! I won.. But my waist line lost..

I refuse to allow societies idea of what a woman should look like determine how I feel.  Every time I look at myself in the mirror I tell myself that I have healthier lungs, healthier skin, happier kids, and am on the path to a healthier life. After all, I have little eyes watching me and It's important we teach our daughters that the body they have is theirs to love, and I make a  point of telling my daughter that I've earned every curve I have.  She sees my desire to get into shape and she knows that my body shape doesn't change the way I feel about myself but it's all apart of my journey to live a healthier life. 

So Love those Curves ladies! Embrace the image you see in the mirror, and never apologize for feeling great and wanting to share it.  The people who can't handle it are the people who need that positive energy the most. 
Anyone needing a boost on their confidence just remember this, You were born to be Real, Not Perfect.

#BeccaToldMeTo

Do you believe in the law of attraction? The force of nature, or the fact that you are meant to walk into situations, meet people and have conversations at the exact moment that it happens? As the story goes, everything happens for a reason.

As I continue on my journey of self acceptance, Confidence building, and most importantly Overcoming my own Mental Health, I am finding it's like there are new things laid out for me all along the way.  I am struggling to put them into perspective and decide what to do first.  I am finding that I am loving life a lot these days.  The past year has changed me and as I continue to improve health wise I have focused on sharing my passion with others.  

The common goal is helping people 😊  

As I've said before, there is always road bumps.  They used to set me back for days, or weeks, but now they are merely a blip on my radar. Do you know why they don't affect me?
Because I have learned how to focus that energy into something else rather than letting myself get beat down.  It's all about personal growth. 

Don't think for a second that my life is perfect, FAR FROM IT! I have all the same bad stuff in my life that everyone else has.  Trust me! But what I've learned is that its all apart of my story, this is all the stuff I'm set to learn from.  There is going to be failures, and I need to have them to grow.  

The curve balls that get thrown your way, are not actually meant to hit you, they are meant to distract you and throw you off course. 
The lesson comes from your reaction, and the growth is how you chose to overcome it.  Does that make sense? 

We can do amazing things, and some people do those amazing things when they are faced with adversity. 

Today I learned that someone very special to our family has been diagnosed with Cancer.  Faced with this new diagnosis he still braved speaking in front of my daughters after school club.  You see, a few weeks ago he had generously donated handmade wooden treasure boxes to my daughter and all her friends in this club, and today he was asked to come back so the children could show him how they had decorated their boxes with love and to say Thank you.  

While speaking to him he had some profound words for me that once again put me into a place of growth and positive mindset.  

He showed me a wooden bowl he had made and continued to tell me how he had shared with the children that this bowl resembled a symbol of strength.  "You see" he began, "this tree withstands terrible conditions, it faces bullying everyday in the form of high winds, and all the seasons of the year wreak havoc on it.  Yet, it remains strong and steady" He then held up the bowl he had carefully hand crafted and continued "I told the children that they need to be like this tree, Strong in the face of adversity, and brave enough to stand up to all conditions" "If they do this, than nothing will break them" 

I was so touched by his words, and the way he chose to show significance in this bowl, so with tears in my eyes I hugged him tightly.  With all he was facing and this new revelation in his life I was so thankful he had taken time to come and share this with my daughter.  

But what he said next is what really got me, He smiled sweetly and said, "I was unsure I was going to be able to take on the task of making all these boxes".  "It was going to be a lot of work for me, but then someone shared with me the story of a girl named Becca.  

The story of a young teenager in New Brunswick who was diagnosed with Terminal Brain Cancer, and after getting this diagnosis she decided to spread kindness as her dying wish.  The initiative #BeccaToldMeTo was created and good deeds have been spreading in her honour.

 My Great Uncle carried out this good deed because #BeccaToldMeTo, in honour of a complete stranger just because she said to.  

Imagine if we all had that amount of good in us to be so selfless in our lives...
The thing is we do, we just need to reach deep enough to find it and not be ashamed to show it.  

Personal growth can come in many different forms, it can be the act of loving yourself, or gaining self confidence, and it can also come from putting out to the world exactly what you want to receive back in return.  

For some the kindness meter exceeds its limits 💗

Never Settle

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? The reflection that looks back at you, is that your best self? Someone you believe in, or is it something you don't like the look of.

Why is that? What has caused us to become separated from ourselves so much that we don't like our own reflection?
Why are you not the absolute best version of yourself? You were created just the way you are for a reason, and you are perfect. You are perfect because no one else is like you, and you have no one to compare yourself to.  Or do you?
Is that the problem, do we try to hard to compare ourselves to someone else? Someone prettier, or thinner, who has the things we want, the house, the husband/wife.  The grass is always Greener.. Right?

Well, I can say in the past year I have grown not only to appreciate the person in the mirror, but actually like her.  This is where I may lose some of my readers, and unfortunately the ones who will check out now are the ones who need to read this the most!  I got myself in check!
It was hard work.  Telling myself all the time that I'm going to be ok, that it's all going to work out, I eventually convinced myself of it, and I believe it!
Do you know the power that words have on a person? It all starts with what you tell yourself, or what you believe.
Everyday we make decisions that can affect someone else, it could be how you treat the staff at Tim Hortons, how you speak to a co-worker, or the smile you give to someone you pass on the street.  The truth is that smile could be what makes someones day.
If you haven't lately, reach out to someone you haven't spoke to for awhile.  When we decide that we won't let life get in the way anymore we open up the chance to rekindle lost relationships. We allow ourselves to form friendships with people we meet. The key is to slow down and enjoy every minute you have.
Life is brutal, stuff happens that we don’t understand and then we question our mortality. But why do we wait until something happens to re-evaluate.
If what your doing doesn’t make you happy, is it worth it? Why would you ever settle for mediocre when you are capable of excellence.
As moms we spend so much time making sure our kids are ok, our house is ok, our bills are paid there’s food in the fridge, we get to work on time , and we sacrifice. All the time we sacrifice ourselves for everyone else.
What if we took that back?
One year ago I took control, I decided it was time to focus on me. Without regret and not worrying about judgement I decided it was time to find myself. That has meant a year of growth and Damn, it feels good!
Learning that I should never be ashamed of who I am.  I'm not trying to impress anyone, not anymore.
I'm surrounding myself with people who fan my flames as Will Smith says, if the people you are spending time with are dousing your flames then why are you spending time with them?

Positive thinking brings positive energy and puts you in a positive mood, it's the Strangest Secret, with the simplest solution.

It's been a long road, and looking back I never would have thought I would get to this point.  It's not that I don't still have road blocks, and speed bumps.  Every damn day! The difference now is I know that they will not stop me, nor will making mistakes define me.

I seen a great quote today that was seemingly wrote for me:
There's going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in minutes.  These moments will change you.  Let them make you stronger, smarter, kinder. But don't you go and become someone you're not.  Cry.  Scream if you have to.  Then straighten out that crown and keep moving forward.

Falling into Place

When you reach the point in your life when you start seeing your dreams and visions coming to fruition its a very rewarding feeling.  Things in the past few months have progressively gotten better in some aspects of my life, while other parts have managed to hit bottom.  In the midst of a lot of positive things happening for me there are parts of my life that are struggling.  It's such a battle when I am in such a good place with myself, but other parts of my life seem to continue to hold me down.  Hard to find a balance some days. Working on myself daily has helped me grow into the person I have always wanted to be but never felt I could be.  Mind over matter is harder than it sounds!

But I've learned a few valuable lessons, in that what you put out there you get back.  I'm tired of the Woe is me attitude I carried for so long.  It gets old, but sometimes it's very hard to get past.
What helped me was finding something, solely for me.  I needed something all for myself, something to call my own.  More than a hobby, it has to be something that actually satisfies you, Something that you look forward to regardless of what else is happening in your life.  It's your solace.
When you find something that gratifies you, it's amazing how your life can turn around.  At least in my case, I can tell you I have never felt better, Stronger, and more confident.
Trust me, things are not picture perfect so don't for one second think that I'm not still dealing with crap, I've just chosen to focus on all the good, and let all that other stuff work itself out.
Figuring out how to do that has taken me what feels like a lifetime to do, we spend so much time searching for greatness but little do we know we all have it in ourselves, we just need to figure out a way to channel it and bring it to the surface.
This journey for me has been more than an eye opener, you see it has showed me so much about myself.  I've had to go through the worst to discover the best.  It's also amazing to me how a process like this will put so much into perspective.  I'm now putting more importance into smaller things than I ever have.
Now I want to help people learn that every bad situation does in fact have a silver lining, you may not be able to see it at the time but life lessons are everywhere!

As you think, so you shall be - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Most profound words I have heard.
Don't ever sit back and wait for your life to change.
There are great things waiting for you!

Short but sweet today, nice to be back~

Motivation

So it's really no secret I have been on a bit of a high lately, this change in me has been something I've prayed for, for years!  In a time of year where I am usually as low as the weather, I am actually feeling better than I have in years.  
My enthusiasm for helping others, and writing has been abundantly fueled by a fundraiser I recently attended.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have an overwhelming connection to them? I'm not talking about your husband, wife, or significant other. I mean meeting someone who speaks to your soul! Like you've been destined to have them enter your life, and they are there for a reason.   I have met this person.  She may not know it, but every time we are together and I hear her speak it solidifies all the dreams I've had rolling through my head for so long now.  I can just imagine all the raised eyebrows happening.
Let me Rewind....
I believe my purpose is to help people, possibly a healer, maybe just a motivational speaker, or someone who just strives to make people feel better about themselves.  I've felt this way for quite some time.  It really happened when I started getting feedback from my blog.  Amazingly enough my words helped others.  Bottom line.   This was astonishing to me, actually made me feel a little uneasy at first as I took what felt like quite a burden onto my self to make sure I didn't say anything really offside, or offensive, but truthfully people just understood and were able to relate to what I said.  This is no revolution, it is no secret that people are affected by others words.  This just drives home the fact that everyone needs to be very cognitive of what they have to say to and about others.  As easy as my words may help others, the wrong choice of words at the wrong time can be all that's needed to push one to a point of helplessness.
The pressure that goes along with me choosing to continue with this blog and put myself out there very publicly for judgement puts me in a place that I need be able to handle the words that come at me.  It's also something that made writing for me very rewarding but very intimidating.  A double edge sword one might say.
Now to move forward slightly It's no secret I struggle with my idea of what I want to do when I grow up, let me be clear I understand my role as a Mother and a wife.  I understand that I bear a certain responsibility to the household.  So is it wrong of me to be very determined to find a suitable way to make my life by doing things that I utterly enjoy and that fulfill me?
I'd like to think that my future self would be egging me on and encouraging me to take this leap as they can see the positive outcome that awaits me.

Now to present day, I have had a few opportunities that have presented themselves to me and I am at a point where I simply have nothing to lose, and I want to make damn sure I never regret a thing.

I love sharing my story..

I love it because, knowing that there could be someone else out there reading one of my posts, who is at their rock bottom.  Who doesn't know their purpose, or what their supposed to do, how to cope, or if anyone cares to listen. Struggling with a mid life mini crisis, or just feeling unappreciated.
 I would like to be the one who gives them a calming feeling knowing that someone out there has had similar feelings to them.

 I want women to know that they are beautiful and strong regardless of their shape and size, hair color, clothing, or color of skin.
 I really want my daughter (and Son for that matter) to grow up strong and aware of the fact that people everywhere will have an opinion on almost everything they do. I want my kids to always respect others opinions but know theirs' is the one that matters.
I want them to know that the pressures of the world can sometimes be too much, and that talking to someone about it will never be admonished.

 Most importantly I want them to know it's ok to strive to make a difference.  You may fail many times, but what matters is that you don't give up.

How many of you knew that in the past 3 months there has been 2 students commit suicide at the University of Waterloo? In Woodstock last summer 5 young people committed suicide in a 4 month span.
This is why I want to do this.  I want everyone to know the value of their life.  It's a powerful message, but one that obviously isn't being shared enough.

When I met her, the first time I sat in that chair and we talked she had me convinced that we had been very close friends in a past life.  We shared the same values regarding these issues, we both had visions of what we wanted to do with our time here.  She had never read my blog.  We hit it off instantly.  The biggest difference between her and I, was she has already started making a difference.
This past weekend, I attended her very successful Little Black Dress Fundraiser.  This event which she has held for the past few years is a fundraiser for the Canadian Mental Health Association.  Can you see now why I believe we were meant to meet each other? This event to empower women, is her dream, that she has put into place.  It has inspired me.

 I am more determined than ever to get people talking.  I am going to make myself available to speak to anyone who needs someone to talk to.  For whatever reason, with out judgement.  Just to be a friend.

I downloaded an app earlier this week, and created my own quote which has become sort of a signature for me lately.

Behind the Smile

You'd think she has it all, judging by her smile.  What you fail to see is that the confidence she exudes hides the truth.  It is nothing but a mere mask, that covers each fear and uncertainty.
Her presence lights up a room, and draws in the crowds.
Envious onlookers are intimidated by her presence, by her confidence.
But the pain is real, and somedays the struggle too much
How can one with so much, feel so little
She cries out for help, but it's silenced.
No one understands, yet everyone understands, not chosing to admit it.
The truth forever hidden, behind the smile

These are my words.
I chose to share them, because even though these are my words, they are also the words of so many others.
How many sit in silence? Afraid to speak.

People will judge, they see what they want to see with no concept into the truth. They see what we want them to see.
That girl who looks like she has it all, so put together and loving life may be harboring terrible life experiences, pain and angst.  So be kind.

This was me, and still is on occasion.  These very raw words are a vision into my soul, the way things were, the ways things are.

And I'm not ashamed. That's part of my story, it's what makes me, me.

I have so much to enjoy.
I'm now choosing to live each day, because I know life is unexpected.  Nothing is promised. That doesn't mean I don't face struggles, on the daily.
I mean, who doesn't? Really.. No one has a Perfect Life.. That doesn't exist.
So why not live?
That's what I chose, I chose Life.
I've decided I want to do everything I can while I'm here.

My last post talked about the struggle of growing up, and not knowing where my life is going.  I believe I have come to a realization that life is whatever you make of it.  It will be as good or as bad as you let it be.  So just choose to enjoy it.
Since my last post I was approached by someone asking me if I would be interested in writing a memoir...  
My response to this request was that I needed to think about it, and that's what I did... That's all I did. I weighed out the responsibility that would come with this, and thought about the consequence of screwing it up, and then it hit me.  What the hell is holding me back?
If I learned anything from my dad's death it's that we don't know when our story ends.
So I'm ready to dive in.

One last thing,
go out of your way to be the person you want your kids to grow up to be. My kids have seen me at my lowest, and I've been very open with them as I've regained my life.  They will know the struggles that exist in life.  I will not shelter them.  They will see that it is ok to not be ok and to talk about it. I will do my best to break down this stigma in my home.
My kids are my most valued treasure, and I owe it to them to be honest.

They will grow up to know that there is always something, Behind the Smile.

When an Opportunity Presents itself

I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, this statement was tested when I went through the loss of my dad, as I couldn't imagine what the "reason" behind that could possibly be.  The past 5 years have been spent re-evaluating myself, my relationships, and my self worth.  I have come to the realization that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I must take each day as it comes as I can not change what the outcome will be.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.

Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned.  Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago.  My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me.  I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction.  I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.

I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life.  Start living, and stop moaning about it.  It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence.  The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk.  Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself.  You just now need to enjoy yourself.  Do what you want, when you want.  Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)

I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down.  Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time.  It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing.  Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related.  I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to.  That's pretty fricking amazing.  I did that.

And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you?  Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.

I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing.  One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me.  Her words were enough to stop me.  For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.

 Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself.  I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions.  People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing.  If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something.  Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.

So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words.  I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all.  I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone.  (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better.  Have an opinion, but choose your words.  If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.

In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.

The things your missing..

Dear Dad,

Sadly while you were still here, Max started Junior Kindergarten... He was so excited to come and tell you all about it after his first day!! It was pretty sad that you weren't there to see it yourself, as I know you made a point to be at the school before for "first days".. That's just the kind of Grandpa you were.. Nothing was more important than being there for that milestone.  He had a really tough time when you died, but had great support from his teacher helping him talk through the emotions he had.  That's a tough thing for a 5 year old to go through... He has missed out on so much with you.. The fun summer trips you took your grandsons on to see different sites was something Max never got to be apart of.. I know all your grandsons are missing those days.
He no longer has his Papa... I wish so much he had more time with you, I wish he could have grown up to see just how much love you had to give to him.  He just finished spring hockey, he has come such a long way! Even though you never got to see him play, I'm sure you don't miss a game.. I remember coming to the hospital and complaining to you about how Max would lay on the ice and cry.. I was so frustrated, and you laughed!! You told me how Danny used to do the same thing, and I should just let him cry!! So I did.. I let him lay on the ice, and I took him back each week to watch him lay on the ice again, and finally one week, he didn't lay there.. He got up and skated, and started enjoying hockey, and he got better each week
He actually likes it now, so I guess you were right.. Thanks Dad, for not letting me give up on him.
You should see him play ball!! (He gets it from me!! ) He tries so hard.. It's very cute! He is such an impressionable young man, and he has a great sense of humor!! But he also has an attitude the size of Tavistock... Yes, Dad.. I do know where he got that from! He has your short little legs and gets told all the time how much he reminds people of you!  He gets the biggest smile when he hears that.. He asks SO many questions about death now.. Why did you die? What did you die from? Will he die? Where did you go? Why do you have to bowl so loud? (He doesn't like the thunder!) I do my best to explain to him what happened but it's not easy explaining that to a 7 year old.  He does very well trying to understand, but I can tell he is still confused.  He asks all the time to go to your grave, I tell him he doesn't have to go there to talk to you but I think he needs that association.   I will keep reminding him skate hard, and to run faster, and always assure him that you are at every game.. Just don't let me down Dad! Make sure you are at every game!

When I found out I was expecting Charlee, there was never a doubt.. Something just told me that either way this baby was going to be named after you! When she was born, the connection was immediate.. She latched onto you and there was no letting go.  It was just before her 2nd birthday when you died, and to be honest most 2 year olds would be too young to realize what was happening, but she talked about you and some days I think she even talks to you.. It is evident that your strong bond continues even with you gone.
She has just finished Junior Kindergarten.. Her first year of school, another milestone your not here to see.  It was a tough day for me to go through, putting her on that big school bus for the first time and wishing so badly that you were standing right beside me waving goodbye to her.. In my heart I know that day as the bus toted her off for the very first time, there was a moment when you did stand beside me.  Maybe you wiped my tears as I watched my baby girl who had grown up so fast in just a minute climb the stairs to the bus all by herself, or maybe you held my hand while I cried once I went back to the house, empty of children, where I sat and wondered where the time was going.  I'm sure you wouldn't miss that moment, but the overwhelming need to have you here in more than a spirit form takes over me somedays..
Like today, Charlee's last day of school, again I'm left wondering where a year has gone, another year without you.. It scares me to think that this much time has passed since I heard your voice, or seen you smile, got a hug from you, or heard you say I Love you to me.  Those moments that for 30 years I took for granted... Knowing, or expecting I would hear, see or feel you today, tomorrow and the next... Gone for a lifetime now.
She is a firecracker dad!! You would laugh if you heard the things that come out of her!! I swear she's part daredevil.. Nothing scares her.. I love that she still talks about you and asks about you.. I promise I will never let your memory fade.
I have a video saved on my phone from a birthday party a few years ago, and even though you do not appear on the video, I hear your voice.. Every once in awhile I watch that video just to hear your laughter fill the room.  That was a powerful laugh, and your devilish smile that went with it.. Oh dad.. The things I miss about you..
Your missing More though.. I know that, each day that passes you have to watch without being noticed, without being recognized.. Your missing out on hugs and kisses, but you hear our prayers.
Don't be afraid to hug and kiss us in our sleep, that's what I tell the kids you do, so make sure you do it!
I know you know what your missing.  I don't need to tell you that.

Keep watching us, keep directing us, keep over us, Pray for us, and Love us unconditionally..
As we do you.

Love you Dad

My Angel are you~

                         A Fathers Day Poem I wrote for my dad, who is still on my mind constantly..

Missing your voice, and missing your smile

Thinking of you more than just once in awhile

My sad days get further and further apart

The ache gets more subtle deep down in my heart

Life has gone on, the grief process traveled

at moments my life seemed to be unraveled

Tears still come at times without warning

I smile through it though it’s a sign of mourning

It is hard to find the words to convey

The feelings inside me as I think of fathers day

A true friend at nature, A role model too

From the day I was born my love for you grew

Sacred is the bond between a daughter and her dad

The everlasting connection we will forever have

Your time was too short here, our story not through

I still feel you with me

My angel are you.

Coming Full Circle

It started from the day my dad was diagnosed... the moment we heard the word Cancer I plunged into step 1 of the grief process without ever knowing it.  For me, this step lasted almost until the end.  Shock & Denial...  That dreadful moment when you learn something so horrible that you can't possibly believe it so you instantly go into shock and denial.  Most people may not even realize they have already started to grieve when there loved one is still here and alive.  Each day as it played out I prayed I would wake up and realize it was all just a dream. (shock) Having thoughts that this can't be happening to me (denial)...

Then the pain kicks in, the final days of my dad's life watching him suffer and knowing the end was near the guilt of feeling like more should have been done.  This is when I entered step 2... Pain & guilt
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul.  I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.  

Then the inevitable happened, my dad passed away... I use the word inevitable because at the end the doctors offered no hope to us.  After months of hearing that my dad had a chance, positively speaking they were optimistic.  We heard what we never wanted to hear... "there's nothing more we can do"

When I watched my dad take his last breathe I was hurled into step 3, anger!  

For me this step was my time to lash out at each and every doctor who was ever involved in my dad's case.  For every positive comment, for each reassurance we received, for all the confusion masked by medical jargon, I became angry.  I had so much blame to cast to each one of them who told me my dad would beat this.  

I wonder now looking back if it is possible to be stuck in 3 steps all at the same time... To me I was.

The shock & Denial kicked back in, along with the anger and extreme pain!  After he was gone it was such a flurry of all these emotions.

Step 4 hit me like a rock from the moment I came down off the high I stayed in for 3 days during seemingly endless visitations and a very touching funeral.  Little did I know that I was beginning what would be the hardest stage for me to get through, Depression.  

This period of time was very dark for me, I simply shut out the world, my family, my friends and even my kids and I gave up.  Some days I tried... Tried to get up without wanting to scream, tried to work without wanting to cry, it didn't work.  Most of the time I spent in this depression was spent crying, or feeling sorry for myself.  I read and researched, did therapy, took anti-depressant meds, in a way, looking back now they did help, though at the time I didn't think they did.  Grief is a horrible, depression is worse.  It took a lot of inner strength to find my way back to life.  Truly I think my grief progressed through the depression and I just woke up and decided life had to go on. 

I truly believe I have entered the final step which is acceptance.

I have grieved, through all the stages in that process, sometimes remaining stuck for months without moving forward.  Those steps, have led me to where I am today.
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate.  I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic.  I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death.  My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done.  It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process.  You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 Now you can see the acceptance! 

Tis the Season~

I have touched a nerve lately on the subject of the teachers striking.  Let me start by saying, I am not a teacher, I chose not to be a teacher, and I do value the teachers that my children have and My friends who are teachers as they hold a lot of merit in my eyes.  They educate and help raise our children.  That is invaluable in my eyes.  The point I have obviously been unclear in making is that in all the children are the ones being affected the most.  I hope at some point very soon, the teachers union, and the government will come to an amicable agreement.  This is all I have to say on this matter.  I apologize if I offended any teachers as this was not my purpose in expressing my opinion.  As someone put it  "I am a lioness who is protecting her children"

Todays post is a very important one to me and I do hope that all of you read it and read it carefully.  Alot has happened over the past few days, weeks, and months, that have led up to this post.  Events that have happened or are happening in the world.  People, stop for a second and pause to remember these events.
There was a time in life when things seemed easy, were easy, life was fun, people got along, or at least that's what I want to think.  People had jobs, were happy they had jobs, and felt secure in their jobs.  Lots of people are feeling the tough economical times, and find themselves living paycheque to paycheque. People are battling an illness that everyone is to afraid to talk about.
Today as I sit here in my house, feeling under the weather and looking out to a cloudy dreary day I have to think about all these issues. I go back to when the life ahead of me was an adventure.   Growing up I longed for marriage,  children, a job I loved, and enough money to live comfortably.  What I never dreamed of was a life of suicide, losing my dad, constant money troubles, people shooting up schools & malls, it's terrible.
Now I'm an adult and have a family of my own, my opinion and values have changed.  Things that were once important to me, are no longer.  My opinion towards mental health has been supreceded by my own life experiences, my oblivion to the world around me has been changed by tragic events that unfold almost daily in the world, and my concern for making ends meet has been a constant struggle.
Life in general is seeming to be alot harder than what I signed up for.
Let me start with the fact that people are losing jobs at an increasing rate, people are living off nothing, and there are people struggling to just keep food on the table.  Yet we fight over wages, paid sick days, and the ability to negotiate a contract.  Everyday our unemployment offices are flooded with people who have anything from a highschool diploma to a university degree, who can not find work.  Factories are closing all over the place because the items we depend on can be made for pennies in foreign lands. Students are spending half their early adulthood in school to educate themselves and can't get a job.  There are not enough doctors, and in our automotive industry we have people who have worked for decades building us reliable vehicles in our backyard and are now out of work with a days notice so that the big 3 can save a buck.  What ever happened to supporting local?? How about employing local? Money talks!  I know it, and you know it.  It's just unfortunate that this is what we have all come to.  I know, times have changed and I know that things cost more and people make less.  That my friends is the world we have all created.  People  have let the all mighty dollar shadow their fundamentals.  In my opinon.

Over the past year it saddens me to say that I have seen far too many lives lost at the hand of someone suffering mental illness who had access to a gun(s).  In the past week, I have paid close attention to CNN watching the coverage in Connecticut.  Unfortunately this horrific event is not the first of it's kind.  In my opinion the shooter doesn't even deserve the time I am taking to write this, however the fact of the matter is a sane person does not commit an act like this.  Mental Illness is all around us, and it's scary for all involved.  It's scary for the person it affects, the people around them, and society at large.  It is such a diverse disease, and I guess the best way to explain it is to think of cancer.  You can say you have cancer,  but there are 200 different types of cancer that can affect a person.  You can say you have mental illness, and the list of 'types' is endless.  It's sad to think now that after losing my dad I sat in my own bubble of depression and didn't talk about it.  Makes me even sadder to think about all the hundreds of thousands of people in the world who are sitting in that same bubble right now.. Wondering how to cope.  Some will commit suicide, some will reach out for help or write a blog,  some will grab a gun and do the unthinkable, and others will just continue to live in that bubble afraid to speak out.  If more people talked, if more people listened and if more people reached out, maybe a few more people would pop that bubble and reach out for help.  I'm not going to save the world with this blog, hell I'm probably wearing out my welcome with some of my readers.  The point is I did reach out, I did ask for help, I found a way to express myself through writing and it has been a saviour. Now I am determined to help someone else.  People don't have to be afraid of speaking out, they have to be afraid of NOT speaking out.  It's scary to think that someone feels they have the right to grab a semi-automatic from the closet and make a class of 6 year olds their targets.  This boy needed help and for whatever reason didn't get it.  His resentment, anger, and sickness lead to the events that took place.  There are kids being bullied so badly that they go home from school and hang themselves in the closets.  What is happening to this world!

The way the world is going right now, makes me fear for the future of my children.. At their innocent ages of 6 & 4 I have shielded them from the media reports of the massacre in Connecticut.  I don't even know how to begin to explain that to them.  I want to keep them from the worries of the world, and protect them from bullies.  They have seen me go through the worst time in my life, and I have talked to them in depth about my feelings and why I have acted the way I have.  I assured them that we will get through this as I know we will, but I can't promise that I can get them through the dissapointments they are bound to face as they grow.  What I can do is make sure they know that talking is the key, feelings are meant to be shared, and never to be afraid to speak up.
For all that's going on in the world, it is the Holiday season and we need to be thankful for the family we have.
I pray for the parents who have lost children, for the children who have lost a parent, and for those kids that are sitting in their bubble watching this killer being put into the spot light and planning their own legacy, I pray that someone can reach out to them before we see another tragedy occur.  I pray for kids being bullied, for people struggling to provide a happy Christmas for their kids and not having the money to provide it, and for the people who believe they have it all, I pray that those looking for work find it, and that those who have work are thankful for it.
I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas this year and hope that the New Year brings one less tragedy, one less war, one less impoverished family, tougher gun laws, and more awareness to Mental Health..

Jesse~

An Ongoing Battle

So again I go MIA in the writing.. I guess life took over for awile and I put "me" on the back burner.  This wasn't healthy for me, as I quickly spiraled downwards yet again...  I guess it isn't a coincidence for me to come out with this on Remembrance day.. Since this day signifies the start to my depression.

I'm fighting a losing battle....
Feeling like I move a few steps foward, and then a dozen steps backwards is quickly becoming the norm for me.  For so many reasons I should be over joyed, and yet a powerful strength seems to be holding me back from any happiness. 
The constant struggles I face build up each day as the walls feel as though they are closing in on me.  This can't be right, this feeling of utter despair, pity, self loathing... shall i go on
I'm just plain pissed off right now at myself, for letting things get to this point.  Screaming and crying doesn't seem to help.  What I need is a good kick in the ass! 
It's amazing how many things in my daily life can contribute to my sadness.
Society these days seems to be trying harder to get the point out that it's ok to share feelings like this, but does it really make it ok? Do people really want to hear about others sadness.
Is it socially exceptable to share your sorrows with others? To let them into such a dark place in your life, and open up about being depressed? I think that the media is trying to make it more acceptable, but let's be realistic, how many people who are working on these media campagnes to sell the acceptance of depression, have actually dealt with it? Or are dealing with it?
I don't have that answer.  What I do know is that for 2 years now I have tried to put on a happy face for people to let them see on the outside that I'm ok, when on the inside I am far from it. 
It's so easy to hide behind a smile.   I mean really, I don't want people's pity, I'm not looking for social acceptance..  I just want to feel better. 
This is not something that I have been dealing with for many years, it all started with losing my dad.  There can be an event in your life that's so traumatic to you that it opens up a new door.  A sad side that can be so unbearable some days that it makes it tough to function.  Thank god I have kids that give me a reason to get up each day.  They don't understand, all they know is that mommy is sad sometimes. 
Between anxiety and sadness it's like each day is endless, hours upon hours pass and the corner I feel backed into just keeps getting tighter.
Depression is an ugly hidden disease that is made worse by the fact that its not something others can see on the surface.  Some people chose to hide their depression and retract, it's easier for them to ignore than to deal with it.  The truth is for a long time that's how I chose to deal, but to be honest, the relief I feel talking about it is the best medicine I could take. 
If more people made the decision to open up to someone I don't think we would see so many tragic outcomes from this disease.  Embaressment plays a large factor in this.  I know all to well how hard it is to face up to what I'm dealing with.  With friends who are happy and succesful, and encountering people on a daily basis who love life (or appear to) it makes it harder to face.  Maybe that's not fair of me to say, that everyone looks happy, I wonder how many people I come across on a daily basis face similar struggles to me but are not talking about it. 
How do you deal with it if you can't talk about it?  I feel like a bottle that has been shaken and ready to explode if I can't open up on here and share what I'm going through.  This is my therapy...
Welcome to my messed up life..
My wish is that anyone who feels like they are backed into a corner, anxious and sad could find some solice in their life.  Writing is an incredible way to let out your deepest feelings and emotions. 
My goal for this has always been to try and help others, so I'm hoping to keep sharing my feelings, and hopefully things will sound more positive in my next post...

How Lucky I am

Here is a post I started creating about a month ago and never got around to finishing and posting.. Enjoy~


As Fathers Day came I could already feel the anxiety building up as it has become a day I dread as oposed to a day to celebrate.  The simple thought of buying a card for my husband leaves me in tears as I can't help but wish to be able to tell my dad once more what he means to me... Unfortunately the day came and I did muster up the strength to get a card from the kids but that's it.  How Lucky is he!
It really hit me that day, what the hell's wrong with me!  Here I have a husband who has stood by my side through the most tragic event in my life, holding my hand when I needed, and giving me space when I needed.  He has been understanding and patient which I'm sure was a difficult task for him.  Instead of showing him how much he meant to me and my kids, my day was focused on what I have lost and being selfish.  I have to learn a balance, in that, I need to teach myself that it's ok to have sad moments on a day like that and to take the time I need to reflect on what a great dad I had, but I also need to make sure to show my husband that he is a great dad too.  It's a hard balance to keep.
My life lately has been pretty ok I must say, bordering on the line of normal.  Our business is doing well, we are looking forward to a move this week and I am feeling happy.  Overwhelmed, but happy. 
Looking back over the past year and a half it was hard to think that there would ever come a day when I could say I feel happy, or even excited for what's to come.  Could I be turning a new page? Could this dreadful grief period finally be over for me, and could my life actually return to normal?  I feel an irritating peace, and the reason I say irritating is because it is almost unnerving to me that I can feel this way.  I guess I told myself so many times to just get used to this way of life because nothing was going to change, my life would go on without my dad and I wouldn't smile, laugh or be happy ever again, and if I did it meant I had gotten over losing him and that wasn't ok.  Well, turns out it is ok, I can laugh and have a good time, I can smile, and life certainly is going on.  Am I happy everyday?, well that is a double edged sword.  Is it possible to feel happy without feeling bad about it?  Each day my sadness tends to fade a bit more, things have changed all around me, some for the good and some for the bad. 
I guess the bottom line is I am content with my life today.  Content feels like a safe word for me to use. 
I will never forget, I am reminded constantly of his memory by things happening around me.  Whether it be that darn light bulb that keeps coming loose all on its own, my kids asking me about him, or a memory that hits me like a ton of bricks out of no where.  The good news is those memories are bringing more smiles now than tears.  I am happy about that. 
My greatest accomplishment now has changed from learning to live without my dad, to learing to live with myself.  Its my choice to either move on or move out. 
On friday we are moving into what I am refering to as our "forever home".  We have never thought of any of our houses as "forever homes" so this is new and exciting for me!  I am already envisioning my kids growing up in this home, and we have already talked about what we can do to it in our "10 year plan".  We have never had a "10 year plan" I think the longest we have ever had was a "6 month plan".  I am ready to settle and plant roots. 
My husband and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary and we are still going strong.  We laugh so much together, and I can truly say he is my best friend.  Our relationship started when I was 15 years old, I used to go visit him at St. Mike's (on my spare of course ;) and would go to almost all his hockey games.  We became such good 'buds' as we used to refer to it.  That relationship had its ups and downs over the course of 10 years, you see we both made a promise to each other in our teens that if neither of us where married at 25 we would marry each other.  Who better to marry than your best friend!
Well, needless to say we fulfilled our promise and here we are today, 7 years and 2 beautiful energetic children later.. Mike's parents like my own have been married for eons and we have had wonderful examples to live by on what a marriage should be.  Yes, there will be hard times and yes at times it will seem like it's just not worth it, but in our minds, it's always worth the fight. 
We are happily settled into our new home and leading up to the weekend of the 2nd Annual Cephas Roth Memorial Worlds Fastball tournament.  What a weekend it will be of fabulous baseball.  I can tell you that when we were approached last year with the idea of renaming the tournament after Dad we honestly weren't sure, but now looking back we are all so honoured to have his name attached to such a tournament. 
His legacy lives on... Hope to see everyone out this weekend!

I'm Back~

Following my writing hiatus I am back and ready to continue on my writing venture.. I believe I have exhausted the story of my dad's illness and have focused enough of my time on the anger I needed to release and so I am happy to say that the things I will continue with will be teaching people to move on.. How to get passed a tragedy, life after depression, staying afloat in life when it feels you are drowning in your own self pity.  Many people have "that story" of the worst moment of their life.  Mine is quite obvious, losing my father.. But it could be the loss of a child, a mother, a husband.  Those moments that absolutely take your breath away, and not in a good way.  First I want to address the obvious, in that we need to move on. There's just no other way about it.  To hear someone tell you to move on is like a punch in the face, trust me I know!  But try and take a significant step back and see what other option presents itself.  Nothing. 
Your life goes on whether you want it to or not, at the time it may feel like it won't but it's inevitable.  The struggle is figuring out how to move on.  For so long I have focused solely on why my dad died and to be honest I have come up with nothing more than hours upon hours of racking my brain for an answer, and blaming many people along the way, and where has that got me? No where! 
So here I am June 7, 2012.  1 week from the day when we first found out my dad had cancer 2 years ago.  Funny, I never knew the significance of my feelings to start writing again, maybe it's my subconscious telling me that there is a monumental date coming up and I know that this will be my way through it.  Who knows.. Truth is I feel my dad with me, even as I write this my office door just flew open from the wind and I'm suddenly flooded with emotion as I know its him.  Small things happen that reassure me that my dad follows close by me everyday..
It's such an overwhelming and wonderful feeling.  To know that I still have that close of a connection with him even though he's not here.  This is the reason I choose to move on.
Is it easy, absolutely not. 
I move on because I know that I still have a purpose here, my children.  At least once a week I am faced with questions, especially from Charlee, about her papa.  Her beautiful little mind is so old beyond her years.  I tell Mike she is like an old soul in a young body.  Her questions bewilder and amaze me at the same time.  She wants to know if she stops eating will she stop growing up? If she doesn't grow up will time reverse so her papa can come back.  I ask her what she remembers of him, and she tells me that she remembers him being sick in a hospital.  This saddens me as that decision was a very hard one to make at the time when he asked to see the grand kids in the end and he was so frail and sick.  I spoke in earlier posts about how Charlee didn't hesitate at all to climb up onto his brittle body and embrace him.  She loved him so very much.  She is so curious about how he got to heaven.. What exactly do you tell a 3 year old? Well the obvious, that God came down and got him.. When everyone was asleep of course!  This is a child who was not even 2 at the time, but the impact my dad had on her and Max is so profound for such a short time. 
This is why I choose to move on. 
There is so much good to be done in this world, my dad was one of those people who set an example.  He left me with such an impression of who you should strive to be.  And I want to be just that.  Successful, full of love, and a friend to everyone.  I choose to move on to carry on the type of personality.  Many characteristics in me mirror my father.  People never fail to tell me how much I can be like him.  No longer does that comment bring tears to my eyes, it now puts a warm smile on my face. 
It takes more of an effort to be angry and upset than it does to be happy and smiling.  So there's no point in wallowing anymore.  My dad lived a wonderful life and someone needs to be that spark for him that continues to burn.  He was a force to be reckoned with!
I have decided it is more important for my kids to grow up and look at me the way I looked at my father.  With such pride and love.  I don't want them to remember mommy sad and angry, but happy and full of life!
Our business is growing and surpassing our expectations, our kids are healthy, and I have a wonderful husband who has proven to me that he is in it for the long haul! We just celebrated 7 wonderful years of marriage and to be able to accomplish that after what we have faced is a blessing.  My parents were married for 39 years when my dad passed away.  They were an example of what love is, facing hard times, raising children, growing a successful company, and living life to its fullest!

That's why I choose to move on!

Chapter 9

We would find out eventually after grueling days of waiting on test results that one scan showed his liver was inflamed.  The unfortunate part about this was no one knew why.  None of the blood work to date had showed this, but we were finally able to see it with one simple scan.  The only explanation given to us was that small cell lung cancer feeds on the proteins and sodium in your body and attacks your smaller organs and when this happens it quite likely that nothing can be done, there are times that the inflammation cannot be reversed. 

We were left with the possibility of sending dad to a liver specialist in London who had dad’s case file and was just as puzzled as all the other doctors. 

It should be simple; when there is inflammation you apply ice.  If only it could be that simple. 
It was at this point that my gut was telling me that the doctors were thinking that the cancer was causing the inflammation and it was slowly shutting down the liver. 
Slowly my dad’s condition worsened and weakness once again set in.  Blood transfusions were required to try and raise his hemoglobin levels.  The drain from his gall bladder was finally removed at the end of October, and I think we all knew where this was going. 
With the end of treatments nearing, there should have been so much to be hopeful for; however we were a family left wondering what the next option was going to be.  The chemo doctor was still not willing to resume treatment unless the liver condition improved, and at that point we were being told that it was unlikely to improve. 
The battle was intensifying and we were all realizing that the battle he was fighting was soon to be over.  My dad was an immortal to me, and with his strength unable to fight this I knew that it was soon to be over. 

On October 29, we were called into a meeting with one of his doctors.  Arriving at the hospital expecting to hear the worst but still trying to hold hope, the anticipation of this meeting was overwhelming.  Walking into a room with a social worker, nurse and one of his CCAC workers was the final blow.  I knew that when the social worker brought in boxes of Kleenex we were not in for good news. 

His body is weak, and he is tired, but he is in no pain, except for a sore throat from the radiation. 
Doctors tell us that a scan from last week show that the spots in the lung have shrunk from radiation, but chemo has to be given in order to have any shot at beating this, and at this point chemo was no longer an option. 
Even if dad had a healthy liver, he was too weak to go through treatments.  It was the news we all knew was coming, but wanted so badly to ignore. 

The doctor had consulted with many liver specialists and no solution for the inflamed liver has been found.  They had tested him for all the normal things that would cause this, but none of them are present.  It became a trial by error process; to start removing him from his many medications to see if that would make a difference.  It was a possibility that his anti-seizure medication could have caused liver damage.  The option of a biopsy on the liver was given, however even on the slight chance that something would be found, the treatment option would be something he could not handle.

I have watched countless movies, and TV shows and seen the doctors deliver that dreadful news to a family, but nothing can ever prepare you for the day when you are that family. 

My dad was not present at this meeting, and the decision was made to go and tell him that the doctors had exhausted all options in his treatment and nothing more could be done.  It was so hard to give up hope, when less than 24 hours before this meeting my dad was asked if he wanted heroic measures taken should his heart stop to which he answered “yes”.  How do you tell someone this news, when they are not ready to give up? 

We needed a miracle, and miracles have happened.  It was just not going to happen in our case. 
Making that walk down the hallway to tell my dad of his fate seemed like it took an eternity.  Preparing in my head how I was going to handle hearing the words said, and having to watch his reaction to it.  I was quite unprepared for the doctor to actually skate around the topic and once again give my dad hope.  It was if I had dreamed up the meeting we just had.  An unbelievable thing happened that day; I suddenly found strength as it was needed.  My mom and I had to be the ones to tell my dad that in fact his fight was over.  We were the ones who spoke the words to him, not a doctor.  The look on his face is something unexplainable.  Puzzled might explain it, as a doctor had just told him to prepare for a trip to London for further testing.  What he didn’t explain was that they wanted to use dad’s tests for research purposes, and not for a possible treatment.  It was our turn to take over his case; in fact he would not go to London.  He would settle in for his final rest.  He would have his family who loved him at his side, day and night until he decided it was time. 

It was quite an uncomfortable night when the funeral director arrived to talk to dad about his final arrangements.  With all of us present we discussed how things would go down when the time came.  He chose the music for his funeral, which would carry him to his final resting place, even who would deliver his eulogy.  After this meeting, he would await the arrival of a few final family members so we could all have our proper goodbyes.  This is something we never really got. 

It seemed as though he chose to give up one night without telling us.  He went silent.  Except to tell the doctor that he was in pain, so a morphine pump was ordered and that night would be the last that night we could ever speak with him.  I love you were shared, but not enough.  How many times can you tell someone you love them before they die?  There was so much to say, in such little time. 
If I had the chance again, I would tell my dad that he was the best man I will ever know.  My life with him was so blessed.  He was my provider, my rock, my dad, and he can never be forgotten. 

For 3 grueling days we would sit at his bedside, all he did was breathe.  Watching his chest fill up with air, and fall again was eerily peaceful.  I would lay with my head on his chest and listen to his strong heartbeat.  He had a good life, helped many people and touched many hearts.  Nurses were in disbelief at how strong his heart was still on day 3, I wasn’t.  It was a strong heart. 

Remembrance Day came and knowing how much my dad loved the bag pipes I decided to spend the moment of silence at his side with the volume on his TV turned as high as it would go.  Hearing the echo of the trumpet, and the hum of the bagpipes fill his room made me smile.  I held his hand and told him how proud I was of him for the fight he had given to a losing battle.  He was my hero. 
That night when everyone left for supper and my husband and I sat with him one last time, it happened.  He took his final breath.  It was a heartbreaking moment to be with him, but it was a moment I will forever be grateful that we shared together.  We shared such a special irreplaceable bond and he felt at peace enough to let go with me at his side. 

Leaving the hospital that night knowing my life would never be the same was the hardest thing to do.   My mind racing, my head is such a state of disarray, all the feelings I was having and the emotions going through me all at once made it very hard to breathe.  The one thing I found solace in was knowing his suffering was finally over, but selfishly I wished he was still here so I could sit with him and feel his heartbeat. 

The days to come were very long and exhausting, going through 2 days of visitations and then facing the final step, the funeral.  I was going to deliver the eulogy for my father.  For a man who was so important to so many people, that was a scary thought, how would I ever find the words to say, and how could I possibly say all that was needed to be said.  Hoping I could piece something together that was a fitting enough tribute to such a man.  I spent hours writing and re-writing these final words I would share with hundreds of people.  It was my final tribute to him.