Following my writing hiatus I am back and ready to continue on my writing venture.. I believe I have exhausted the story of my dad's illness and have focused enough of my time on the anger I needed to release and so I am happy to say that the things I will continue with will be teaching people to move on.. How to get passed a tragedy, life after depression, staying afloat in life when it feels you are drowning in your own self pity. Many people have "that story" of the worst moment of their life. Mine is quite obvious, losing my father.. But it could be the loss of a child, a mother, a husband. Those moments that absolutely take your breath away, and not in a good way. First I want to address the obvious, in that we need to move on. There's just no other way about it. To hear someone tell you to move on is like a punch in the face, trust me I know! But try and take a significant step back and see what other option presents itself. Nothing.
Your life goes on whether you want it to or not, at the time it may feel like it won't but it's inevitable. The struggle is figuring out how to move on. For so long I have focused solely on why my dad died and to be honest I have come up with nothing more than hours upon hours of racking my brain for an answer, and blaming many people along the way, and where has that got me? No where!
So here I am June 7, 2012. 1 week from the day when we first found out my dad had cancer 2 years ago. Funny, I never knew the significance of my feelings to start writing again, maybe it's my subconscious telling me that there is a monumental date coming up and I know that this will be my way through it. Who knows.. Truth is I feel my dad with me, even as I write this my office door just flew open from the wind and I'm suddenly flooded with emotion as I know its him. Small things happen that reassure me that my dad follows close by me everyday..
It's such an overwhelming and wonderful feeling. To know that I still have that close of a connection with him even though he's not here. This is the reason I choose to move on.
Is it easy, absolutely not.
I move on because I know that I still have a purpose here, my children. At least once a week I am faced with questions, especially from Charlee, about her papa. Her beautiful little mind is so old beyond her years. I tell Mike she is like an old soul in a young body. Her questions bewilder and amaze me at the same time. She wants to know if she stops eating will she stop growing up? If she doesn't grow up will time reverse so her papa can come back. I ask her what she remembers of him, and she tells me that she remembers him being sick in a hospital. This saddens me as that decision was a very hard one to make at the time when he asked to see the grand kids in the end and he was so frail and sick. I spoke in earlier posts about how Charlee didn't hesitate at all to climb up onto his brittle body and embrace him. She loved him so very much. She is so curious about how he got to heaven.. What exactly do you tell a 3 year old? Well the obvious, that God came down and got him.. When everyone was asleep of course! This is a child who was not even 2 at the time, but the impact my dad had on her and Max is so profound for such a short time.
This is why I choose to move on.
There is so much good to be done in this world, my dad was one of those people who set an example. He left me with such an impression of who you should strive to be. And I want to be just that. Successful, full of love, and a friend to everyone. I choose to move on to carry on the type of personality. Many characteristics in me mirror my father. People never fail to tell me how much I can be like him. No longer does that comment bring tears to my eyes, it now puts a warm smile on my face.
It takes more of an effort to be angry and upset than it does to be happy and smiling. So there's no point in wallowing anymore. My dad lived a wonderful life and someone needs to be that spark for him that continues to burn. He was a force to be reckoned with!
I have decided it is more important for my kids to grow up and look at me the way I looked at my father. With such pride and love. I don't want them to remember mommy sad and angry, but happy and full of life!
Our business is growing and surpassing our expectations, our kids are healthy, and I have a wonderful husband who has proven to me that he is in it for the long haul! We just celebrated 7 wonderful years of marriage and to be able to accomplish that after what we have faced is a blessing. My parents were married for 39 years when my dad passed away. They were an example of what love is, facing hard times, raising children, growing a successful company, and living life to its fullest!
That's why I choose to move on!
