So again I go MIA in the writing.. I guess life took over for awile and I put "me" on the back burner. This wasn't healthy for me, as I quickly spiraled downwards yet again... I guess it isn't a coincidence for me to come out with this on Remembrance day.. Since this day signifies the start to my depression.
I'm fighting a losing battle....
Feeling like I move a few steps foward, and then a dozen steps backwards is quickly becoming the norm for me. For so many reasons I should be over joyed, and yet a powerful strength seems to be holding me back from any happiness.
The constant struggles I face build up each day as the walls feel as though they are closing in on me. This can't be right, this feeling of utter despair, pity, self loathing... shall i go on
I'm just plain pissed off right now at myself, for letting things get to this point. Screaming and crying doesn't seem to help. What I need is a good kick in the ass!
It's amazing how many things in my daily life can contribute to my sadness.
Society these days seems to be trying harder to get the point out that it's ok to share feelings like this, but does it really make it ok? Do people really want to hear about others sadness.
Is it socially exceptable to share your sorrows with others? To let them into such a dark place in your life, and open up about being depressed? I think that the media is trying to make it more acceptable, but let's be realistic, how many people who are working on these media campagnes to sell the acceptance of depression, have actually dealt with it? Or are dealing with it?
I don't have that answer. What I do know is that for 2 years now I have tried to put on a happy face for people to let them see on the outside that I'm ok, when on the inside I am far from it.
It's so easy to hide behind a smile. I mean really, I don't want people's pity, I'm not looking for social acceptance.. I just want to feel better.
This is not something that I have been dealing with for many years, it all started with losing my dad. There can be an event in your life that's so traumatic to you that it opens up a new door. A sad side that can be so unbearable some days that it makes it tough to function. Thank god I have kids that give me a reason to get up each day. They don't understand, all they know is that mommy is sad sometimes.
Between anxiety and sadness it's like each day is endless, hours upon hours pass and the corner I feel backed into just keeps getting tighter.
Depression is an ugly hidden disease that is made worse by the fact that its not something others can see on the surface. Some people chose to hide their depression and retract, it's easier for them to ignore than to deal with it. The truth is for a long time that's how I chose to deal, but to be honest, the relief I feel talking about it is the best medicine I could take.
If more people made the decision to open up to someone I don't think we would see so many tragic outcomes from this disease. Embaressment plays a large factor in this. I know all to well how hard it is to face up to what I'm dealing with. With friends who are happy and succesful, and encountering people on a daily basis who love life (or appear to) it makes it harder to face. Maybe that's not fair of me to say, that everyone looks happy, I wonder how many people I come across on a daily basis face similar struggles to me but are not talking about it.
How do you deal with it if you can't talk about it? I feel like a bottle that has been shaken and ready to explode if I can't open up on here and share what I'm going through. This is my therapy...
Welcome to my messed up life..
My wish is that anyone who feels like they are backed into a corner, anxious and sad could find some solice in their life. Writing is an incredible way to let out your deepest feelings and emotions.
My goal for this has always been to try and help others, so I'm hoping to keep sharing my feelings, and hopefully things will sound more positive in my next post...
