Here is a post I started creating about a month ago and never got around to finishing and posting.. Enjoy~
As Fathers Day came I could already feel the anxiety building up as it has become a day I dread as oposed to a day to celebrate. The simple thought of buying a card for my husband leaves me in tears as I can't help but wish to be able to tell my dad once more what he means to me... Unfortunately the day came and I did muster up the strength to get a card from the kids but that's it. How Lucky is he!
It really hit me that day, what the hell's wrong with me! Here I have a husband who has stood by my side through the most tragic event in my life, holding my hand when I needed, and giving me space when I needed. He has been understanding and patient which I'm sure was a difficult task for him. Instead of showing him how much he meant to me and my kids, my day was focused on what I have lost and being selfish. I have to learn a balance, in that, I need to teach myself that it's ok to have sad moments on a day like that and to take the time I need to reflect on what a great dad I had, but I also need to make sure to show my husband that he is a great dad too. It's a hard balance to keep.
My life lately has been pretty ok I must say, bordering on the line of normal. Our business is doing well, we are looking forward to a move this week and I am feeling happy. Overwhelmed, but happy.
Looking back over the past year and a half it was hard to think that there would ever come a day when I could say I feel happy, or even excited for what's to come. Could I be turning a new page? Could this dreadful grief period finally be over for me, and could my life actually return to normal? I feel an irritating peace, and the reason I say irritating is because it is almost unnerving to me that I can feel this way. I guess I told myself so many times to just get used to this way of life because nothing was going to change, my life would go on without my dad and I wouldn't smile, laugh or be happy ever again, and if I did it meant I had gotten over losing him and that wasn't ok. Well, turns out it is ok, I can laugh and have a good time, I can smile, and life certainly is going on. Am I happy everyday?, well that is a double edged sword. Is it possible to feel happy without feeling bad about it? Each day my sadness tends to fade a bit more, things have changed all around me, some for the good and some for the bad.
I guess the bottom line is I am content with my life today. Content feels like a safe word for me to use.
I will never forget, I am reminded constantly of his memory by things happening around me. Whether it be that darn light bulb that keeps coming loose all on its own, my kids asking me about him, or a memory that hits me like a ton of bricks out of no where. The good news is those memories are bringing more smiles now than tears. I am happy about that.
My greatest accomplishment now has changed from learning to live without my dad, to learing to live with myself. Its my choice to either move on or move out.
On friday we are moving into what I am refering to as our "forever home". We have never thought of any of our houses as "forever homes" so this is new and exciting for me! I am already envisioning my kids growing up in this home, and we have already talked about what we can do to it in our "10 year plan". We have never had a "10 year plan" I think the longest we have ever had was a "6 month plan". I am ready to settle and plant roots.
My husband and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary and we are still going strong. We laugh so much together, and I can truly say he is my best friend. Our relationship started when I was 15 years old, I used to go visit him at St. Mike's (on my spare of course ;) and would go to almost all his hockey games. We became such good 'buds' as we used to refer to it. That relationship had its ups and downs over the course of 10 years, you see we both made a promise to each other in our teens that if neither of us where married at 25 we would marry each other. Who better to marry than your best friend!
Well, needless to say we fulfilled our promise and here we are today, 7 years and 2 beautiful energetic children later.. Mike's parents like my own have been married for eons and we have had wonderful examples to live by on what a marriage should be. Yes, there will be hard times and yes at times it will seem like it's just not worth it, but in our minds, it's always worth the fight.
We are happily settled into our new home and leading up to the weekend of the 2nd Annual Cephas Roth Memorial Worlds Fastball tournament. What a weekend it will be of fabulous baseball. I can tell you that when we were approached last year with the idea of renaming the tournament after Dad we honestly weren't sure, but now looking back we are all so honoured to have his name attached to such a tournament.
His legacy lives on... Hope to see everyone out this weekend!
