It started from the day my dad was diagnosed... the moment we heard the word Cancer I plunged into step 1 of the grief process without ever knowing it. For me, this step lasted almost until the end. Shock & Denial... That dreadful moment when you learn something so horrible that you can't possibly believe it so you instantly go into shock and denial. Most people may not even realize they have already started to grieve when there loved one is still here and alive. Each day as it played out I prayed I would wake up and realize it was all just a dream. (shock) Having thoughts that this can't be happening to me (denial)...
Then the pain kicks in, the final days of my dad's life watching him suffer and knowing the end was near the guilt of feeling like more should have been done. This is when I entered step 2... Pain & guilt
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
For days we sat and told my dad that it was ok to let go, and the guilt of that ate away at my soul. I was telling him to die! How very morbid of me, I should have been telling him to fight harder not give up! what was I thinking?? I had felt guilty many times in my life, but never like this.
Then the inevitable happened, my dad passed away... I use the word inevitable because at the end the doctors offered no hope to us. After months of hearing that my dad had a chance, positively speaking they were optimistic. We heard what we never wanted to hear... "there's nothing more we can do"
When I watched my dad take his last breathe I was hurled into step 3, anger!
For me this step was my time to lash out at each and every doctor who was ever involved in my dad's case. For every positive comment, for each reassurance we received, for all the confusion masked by medical jargon, I became angry. I had so much blame to cast to each one of them who told me my dad would beat this.
I wonder now looking back if it is possible to be stuck in 3 steps all at the same time... To me I was.
The shock & Denial kicked back in, along with the anger and extreme pain! After he was gone it was such a flurry of all these emotions.
Step 4 hit me like a rock from the moment I came down off the high I stayed in for 3 days during seemingly endless visitations and a very touching funeral. Little did I know that I was beginning what would be the hardest stage for me to get through, Depression.
This period of time was very dark for me, I simply shut out the world, my family, my friends and even my kids and I gave up. Some days I tried... Tried to get up without wanting to scream, tried to work without wanting to cry, it didn't work. Most of the time I spent in this depression was spent crying, or feeling sorry for myself. I read and researched, did therapy, took anti-depressant meds, in a way, looking back now they did help, though at the time I didn't think they did. Grief is a horrible, depression is worse. It took a lot of inner strength to find my way back to life. Truly I think my grief progressed through the depression and I just woke up and decided life had to go on.
I have grieved, through all the stages in that process, sometimes remaining stuck for months without moving forward. Those steps, have led me to where I am today.
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
Today I am able to smile, laugh, and even celebrate. I am celebrating me.
It's my time now... I have given the past 2 and a half years to grief and depression and now it's time for me.
My ongoing struggle with my weight is finally a step I am able to overtake and am proud and happy to say that since Christmas I am down 15 lbs and feeling fantastic. I look forward to each day and embrace each moment I have.
It's amazing how much brighter the world looks when the clouds of depression are not hanging over me.
The hole in my heart will forever remain, as no one can replace what was there.
This has been a trying process, one I didn't think I could get through, but I did.
Does that mean I don't think of him, or miss him?? Absolutely not, I think of him all the time, but I'm no longer consumed with his death. My anger is gone, I believe now that all that could be done was done. It was his time.
Mom and I went to see a medium, the same medium we seen when this all began, and in some weird way it feels like that was the closing of my full circle.
She shared so much with us that my dad needed us to know and it was such a mind blowing relief!
He is fine, he is healthy, he is waiting for us.
In the end it was my dad telling me that he was proud of me and that I will always be his girl that helped me close this chapter.
I am thankful for all those who followed me through this process, the grief process. You seen it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Now you can see the acceptance!
