Sunday 26 February 2012
Slow down
Let me start out today by thanking everyone who has sent me messages of support about my blogs. there are times when I think that this stuff is better left unsaid. Keep it to myself, right? I am sure there are those of you out there who think, or wish, that I would just keep this information private. Like my feelings are not meant to be broadcast to the world, and you are right. You are entitled to your position on this matter and I respect that. However, in light of the messages I have been receiving regarding the topics I am discussing on here I feel that I am doing the right thing. These emotions, and feelings that I am pouring into these blogs are real. I am sure that most of you have felt something like this at some point in your life. You may just choose to be more private about how you deal with it. There is no wrong way.
I received emails from alot of people... A lot!
First off I can not begin to explain how grateful I am for people even taking the time to read what I write, let alone respond to it. I will take all criticism whether it be positive or negative. For those of you that are reading this and are feeling a sense of relief, or feeling you can relate to what I am talking about I hope that the words I write can in some way help you deal with a situation of your own. And for my critics, if there is something you would like me to discuss throw it at me! Let's see what I can come up with!
I guess I am feeling like the more I talk about my dad, the less chance their is that I will forget him. He left a big impression on me and for a number of reasons I want to write about this. To inform people of the things we went through.. I want you all to hear the reasons why I have trouble trusting a doctor, and why I feel it is so important to stand up for your rights when it comes to the world of medicine, and to also just talk about my day to day life now, after. The subject has to get old at some point, I know, so if you choose to stop reading then I bid you adieu.. the ones who want to continue on this with me thank you!
A situation has come to light that makes us all look at life in a different way. In my first post I mentioned stopping to smell the roses. The sad part is that usually when we stop to smell them, it is when we are forced to. When something happens in our lives that literally slaps us in the face and says "slow the hell down".. There are those little things again, the i love yous, and moments in time where you sit and listen. We are all guilty of it, and the unfortunate part is when that moment happens, and we sit reeling from it, we stop... and smell the roses.
It may be that at some point it will be too late for that. As I sit and watch my daughter pretend to be a princess and spin in circles while singing, and my son working diligently on a puzzle I am forced to think of the times when my daughter has asked me at bedtime to read to her and I say, "tomorrow night honey", or my son asks me to lay with him so he can tell me about his day, to which I respond "It's late, we can talk about it in the morning".. What exactly is so important that I can not take 10 minutes to lay with my children..
Our lives are so fast paced, I know it drives Mike nuts that these days no one actually picks up a telephone and calls you, or stops in to visit, because anything that needs to be said can done via text message, bbm or facebook. Is this really what life is becoming?
And why is it that when we face these times in our lives where we are forced to stop and hug our children that we reflect on how important they are to us. Don't get me wrong, I realize everyday how important my kids are to me, they are my life! I just know for a fact that I don't do the best job of communicating that to them as often as I should. Yesterday was my son's 6th birthday and at bed last night I told him of the day he was born. The scare we went through during delivery learning after a few hours of labour that his heart rate was dropping steadily.. He knows that the scar on my tummy is where the doctors had to operate on mommy to get him out quickly and safely. I told him how Mike and I could just sit and stare at him for ever, he was our perfect little boy.. I wanted him to know that he was special because I know I don't tell him enough.
The point is there is alot that we take for granted, in life, love and family.. there are moments we let slip by that we can never get back. I know first hand how it feels to wish for yesterday because of things unsaid and time lost. There are tragic events that unfold right before our eyes and it forces us to hold the things we love closer, but shouldn't we do that all the time anyways?
We are a society that has one speed and that is fast.. Here's to hoping that someone invents a cruise button that allows us to relax a bit and enjoy the ride.
My dad lived a fast paced life too, and there were lots of times where upon hanging up the phone we did not say "I love you", and looking back now I wish there had been many more "I love you's" with him, but I never doubt for a second the way he felt about me. I want my children to feel that same love, not just when I decide I have time to show them, but everyday!
Don't let a tragedy be the reason you slow down!
Hoping everyone can find time today to hold a thought and #prayer for a special family who needs it right now.. At this point in time there is nothing we can do to take their pain away, but we can stand behind them as a community. We hold them near to our hearts in the hopes that our #healing thoughts can help them through the next few very difficult days, weeks and months.
May those we love never be forgotten~
Thursday 16 February 2012
This is me
A marriage should be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it, right? I mean, we take vows that say for better or worse... I'm sure Mike never realized how "worse" it was going to get.
I can say that there were days, still are for that matter, when he really had to sit back and remember those vows in order to keep him from throwing in the towel.
There is no handbook that tells one how they are supposed to behave or act after something like this happens. My perfect life had hit rock bottom and it honestly felt like I would never get back to where I was.
Sadly, that is the truth, I will never get back to where I was, because where I was included my dad in my life, and this new life was a struggle to get used to.
To say I was difficult to deal with would be sugar coating it. My husband and I run our own company and I basically abandoned him where work was concerned. I was happy to stay at home, by myself. I sent my kids to a babysitter everyday so that I could sit at home, downstairs in my office and listen to Johnny Reid "today I'm gonna try and change the world". (this song was our processional for my dad's funeral) I would cry and feel sorry for myself. What was happening to me? I thought I was stronger than this, why was I struggling so much to get through this? the time I needed in the weeks following my dad's death was just to be alone, completely alone. I pushed my husband, and my kids away. I couldn't understand how Mike could get up everyday and just go on like nothing even happened. Like it never affected him. This brought a significant wedge between us, because he wanted something from me that I just couldn't give him, and I needed something from him that wasn't there. I needed him to sit and cry with me, just show some emotion. He was emotional during the visitation and the funeral, and that night when he and I sat by my dad's side and watched him breathe for the last time he broke down just like I did, but now he was able to just push it aside and move on. I was having trouble understanding him, but I didn't want to talk to him about it either. There was days that I thought Mike and I were two different people since dad died. Like it had changed us both, or maybe it just changed me and I didn't know who I was anymore. Either way, I wasn't sure we would survive.
It was painful to feel so alone, both my brothers were reacting the same way as Mike. I know that everyone reacts to things differently and it was unfair for me to judge the way they were dealing with things, but I just felt like I needed more support then I was given. Don't get me wrong, both my brothers checked up on me almost daily. They were very concerned about how I was doing, but the support I felt I needed was not daily phone calls.
It took a few weeks before I started to believe them when they told me that I needed to see a doctor, a therapist, someone! I really needed to get my life back, start being a mother again, and most importantly make an effort in my marriage.
Once I made the appointment with my doctor and actually went through with it, I started taking anti-depressants. From day one, I was not ashamed to admit this fact to anyone. Within the first week I could feel a difference, my temper had subsided, I was able to actually look at a picture of my dad, or talk about him and not break down. One small pill once a day really did make a world of difference to me. I finally realized that I could not sit back and wait for life to get easier, I actually had to put some work into it and make it happen. The idea of depression was new to me, I was not immune to it however, as I had seen it a few times in my family, but for myself other than the heartache of losing a high school boyfriend and thinking life was over, this was new. It was scary to think that I could not control my emotions enough to go on with my everyday responsibilites without this pill. I realize now that the things I was expecting of Mike were unfair, what I didn't realize was that deep down inside he too had lost a huge part of his life. He chooses to deal with it by submerging himself into work and not stopping long enough to let himself get emotional, and I respect that.... now.
My point of this whole entry is to address depression, it can fall into a range of categories, and can affect people differently but it is what it is, depression. Pretty self explanitory.
In my case, I was not able to cope with losing my dad and was falling into a depression and didn't even realize it. Or maybe I did, but I couldn't get past my anger long enough to admit it. I was so pissed off at the doctors for letting my dad die, that my anger over took me and allowed me to push alot of people away. For this I am not proud, but what I am proud of is that I finally recognized that their was a problem and I pushed my pride aside long enough to be vulnerable. I had to actually admit that I was depressed and make the conscious decision to start taking anti-depressants so that I could deal with everyday life.
It was not fair of me to treat my husband and kids the way I did, but at the time I didn't know any other way to cope.
I guess I can be thankful that I chose the husband I did, and that he was willing to stand by me through what has been the most difficult time in my life, because sadly I wasn't there for him. Thankfully my kids are young enough that they wont remember the fact that mommy wasn't herself for a few months after papa died.
In some ways my dad's death has brought alot of things into perspective I realize that I love my husband unconditionally and with every ounce of my being, and I know now that we can survive anything. It has also managed to bring my family closer, we were always close before this, but now I truly know how much my brothers look out for me and would do anything for me.
If I can share one of the most important things that I have learned over the past year it is that,
Everyone who is in your life, is there for a reason. God does not take into consideration how messed up things will be if he takes away one of those people, so the lesson is to never leave anything unsaid, always make sure the people around you know everyday how much they mean to you, because you never know when that moment could happen that your whole life changes.
In coping with a tragedy don't be afraid to ask for help, most importantly make sure you know that those people that you have chosen to have in your life, who are there for a reason.. well that reason is to be there for you unconditionally when you need them.
I can say that there were days, still are for that matter, when he really had to sit back and remember those vows in order to keep him from throwing in the towel.
There is no handbook that tells one how they are supposed to behave or act after something like this happens. My perfect life had hit rock bottom and it honestly felt like I would never get back to where I was.
Sadly, that is the truth, I will never get back to where I was, because where I was included my dad in my life, and this new life was a struggle to get used to.
To say I was difficult to deal with would be sugar coating it. My husband and I run our own company and I basically abandoned him where work was concerned. I was happy to stay at home, by myself. I sent my kids to a babysitter everyday so that I could sit at home, downstairs in my office and listen to Johnny Reid "today I'm gonna try and change the world". (this song was our processional for my dad's funeral) I would cry and feel sorry for myself. What was happening to me? I thought I was stronger than this, why was I struggling so much to get through this? the time I needed in the weeks following my dad's death was just to be alone, completely alone. I pushed my husband, and my kids away. I couldn't understand how Mike could get up everyday and just go on like nothing even happened. Like it never affected him. This brought a significant wedge between us, because he wanted something from me that I just couldn't give him, and I needed something from him that wasn't there. I needed him to sit and cry with me, just show some emotion. He was emotional during the visitation and the funeral, and that night when he and I sat by my dad's side and watched him breathe for the last time he broke down just like I did, but now he was able to just push it aside and move on. I was having trouble understanding him, but I didn't want to talk to him about it either. There was days that I thought Mike and I were two different people since dad died. Like it had changed us both, or maybe it just changed me and I didn't know who I was anymore. Either way, I wasn't sure we would survive.
It was painful to feel so alone, both my brothers were reacting the same way as Mike. I know that everyone reacts to things differently and it was unfair for me to judge the way they were dealing with things, but I just felt like I needed more support then I was given. Don't get me wrong, both my brothers checked up on me almost daily. They were very concerned about how I was doing, but the support I felt I needed was not daily phone calls.
It took a few weeks before I started to believe them when they told me that I needed to see a doctor, a therapist, someone! I really needed to get my life back, start being a mother again, and most importantly make an effort in my marriage.
Once I made the appointment with my doctor and actually went through with it, I started taking anti-depressants. From day one, I was not ashamed to admit this fact to anyone. Within the first week I could feel a difference, my temper had subsided, I was able to actually look at a picture of my dad, or talk about him and not break down. One small pill once a day really did make a world of difference to me. I finally realized that I could not sit back and wait for life to get easier, I actually had to put some work into it and make it happen. The idea of depression was new to me, I was not immune to it however, as I had seen it a few times in my family, but for myself other than the heartache of losing a high school boyfriend and thinking life was over, this was new. It was scary to think that I could not control my emotions enough to go on with my everyday responsibilites without this pill. I realize now that the things I was expecting of Mike were unfair, what I didn't realize was that deep down inside he too had lost a huge part of his life. He chooses to deal with it by submerging himself into work and not stopping long enough to let himself get emotional, and I respect that.... now.
My point of this whole entry is to address depression, it can fall into a range of categories, and can affect people differently but it is what it is, depression. Pretty self explanitory.
In my case, I was not able to cope with losing my dad and was falling into a depression and didn't even realize it. Or maybe I did, but I couldn't get past my anger long enough to admit it. I was so pissed off at the doctors for letting my dad die, that my anger over took me and allowed me to push alot of people away. For this I am not proud, but what I am proud of is that I finally recognized that their was a problem and I pushed my pride aside long enough to be vulnerable. I had to actually admit that I was depressed and make the conscious decision to start taking anti-depressants so that I could deal with everyday life.
It was not fair of me to treat my husband and kids the way I did, but at the time I didn't know any other way to cope.
I guess I can be thankful that I chose the husband I did, and that he was willing to stand by me through what has been the most difficult time in my life, because sadly I wasn't there for him. Thankfully my kids are young enough that they wont remember the fact that mommy wasn't herself for a few months after papa died.
In some ways my dad's death has brought alot of things into perspective I realize that I love my husband unconditionally and with every ounce of my being, and I know now that we can survive anything. It has also managed to bring my family closer, we were always close before this, but now I truly know how much my brothers look out for me and would do anything for me.
If I can share one of the most important things that I have learned over the past year it is that,
Everyone who is in your life, is there for a reason. God does not take into consideration how messed up things will be if he takes away one of those people, so the lesson is to never leave anything unsaid, always make sure the people around you know everyday how much they mean to you, because you never know when that moment could happen that your whole life changes.
In coping with a tragedy don't be afraid to ask for help, most importantly make sure you know that those people that you have chosen to have in your life, who are there for a reason.. well that reason is to be there for you unconditionally when you need them.
Sunday 12 February 2012
The days after
When I think back to when I was a kid and the things I imagined for myself when I grew up, there was never a thought of losing one of my parents... I mean, I'm not naive I know at some point in my life I would have to face that, but certainly not at 30.
My 30th birthday was supposed to be such a hit! My dad and I talked about the year we would have our milestone birthdays for a long time.. Little did he know what I had been planning for his 60th that year and it went off without a hitch. What a great party! Dad drank like a teenager, and at the end of the night I had to wake him up (yes he fell asleep standing at the bar) and help him to the car.. Classic!
I am guessing that maybe his subconscious was aware that this would be his last birthday and wanted him to go out in style!
At least one of us had a great birthday that year! My birthday went alot differently.. I woke up early on the saturday morning of the Tavistock Fall Fair and grabbed coffee and headed for the hospital.. I knew my dad was not feeling the greatest at this point as he was at a mid way point for his radiation and had under gone one round of chemo which was really kicking his ass! There was no place I would have rather been on that morning, at least that's what I thought...
My dad had a rough night and was pretty tired when I got there, he didn't want the coffee I had brought him so it sat. He never had a calendar in his room and after being in their for so long I understand that he had no idea what day it was.. I visited with my dad that day for about an hour, that's all I could take.. I left to head back to the parade and hang out with my kids, I was extremly upset that he hadn't realized it was my birthday and honestly I can still feel the sting as I write this... Looking back now, knowing what the outcome was going to be I should have sat in the hospital room for as long as it took that day, and many other days.. Really what was more important than just sitting with him. Sometimes we would sit for many minutes without saying a word.. For some people this would make for an akward and uncomfortable situation, but for us it was just comfortable.. Dad and I never really talked much about him dying, except for the day when I had to tell him that the doctors had done all they could. Now there's a day I could have done without...
To be honest there are a few days during those 5 months that made the brutal reality of the whole situtation set in even more...
How does one just move on from that? I will tell you how..
In the days following that dreadful November evening I barely slept, and it felt like I was walking around in a fog. Sometimes when I closed my eyes I would wish so hard to just see his face in my dreams, and I put pictures up all around the house.. Thinking back now I'm not sure if I thought I was going to forget what he looked like or what the reasoning behind that was, it was just what I needed to do.. It wore off, after about 3 months I actually took down all pictures of him as well as the news paper articles and sympathy cards and packed them away in a drawer. I had actually got to the point that it was too hard to see his picture everywhere.
i can tell you the things I struggled with the most after my dad died and that was my anger.. I was not a happy person and I truly needed someone to blame.
To be frank, I was pissed off, and it took a long time for that anger to get under control.
I get that their is a plan for us all, but I'm sure some people do not appreciate the plan as it's layed out. Who knows, maybe the plan was for me to lose my dad at 30 and get so screwed up healing from his death that I decide to write a book that becomes a big hit.. hahaha.. Yup I know
I know now that it is exceptable for me to still be struggling. For 30 years we went through alot.. We had just gotten to a great time in our relationship.. So I figure it's safe to expect 30 years to get over it..
So I will take you all on this ride with me in the hopes that my screwed up life, makes your screwed up life look a bit better!
One thing I have learned from this all is to truly slow down... Stay in your PJ's on sunday mornings and watch cartoons with the kids till noon! Sit back every now and then and make sure you are happy with the life you have created for yourself. Don't be average! I believe that knowing my dad and seeing the man he was will give me a different outlook on alot of things from now on.
I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, but to be honest I never know.. to say my life has adjusted to it's new normal is somewhat true. My mom and I do alot together now, I believe this has brought us closer. I need her, and I'd like to believe that she needs me too.
My 30th birthday was supposed to be such a hit! My dad and I talked about the year we would have our milestone birthdays for a long time.. Little did he know what I had been planning for his 60th that year and it went off without a hitch. What a great party! Dad drank like a teenager, and at the end of the night I had to wake him up (yes he fell asleep standing at the bar) and help him to the car.. Classic!
I am guessing that maybe his subconscious was aware that this would be his last birthday and wanted him to go out in style!
At least one of us had a great birthday that year! My birthday went alot differently.. I woke up early on the saturday morning of the Tavistock Fall Fair and grabbed coffee and headed for the hospital.. I knew my dad was not feeling the greatest at this point as he was at a mid way point for his radiation and had under gone one round of chemo which was really kicking his ass! There was no place I would have rather been on that morning, at least that's what I thought...
My dad had a rough night and was pretty tired when I got there, he didn't want the coffee I had brought him so it sat. He never had a calendar in his room and after being in their for so long I understand that he had no idea what day it was.. I visited with my dad that day for about an hour, that's all I could take.. I left to head back to the parade and hang out with my kids, I was extremly upset that he hadn't realized it was my birthday and honestly I can still feel the sting as I write this... Looking back now, knowing what the outcome was going to be I should have sat in the hospital room for as long as it took that day, and many other days.. Really what was more important than just sitting with him. Sometimes we would sit for many minutes without saying a word.. For some people this would make for an akward and uncomfortable situation, but for us it was just comfortable.. Dad and I never really talked much about him dying, except for the day when I had to tell him that the doctors had done all they could. Now there's a day I could have done without...
To be honest there are a few days during those 5 months that made the brutal reality of the whole situtation set in even more...
How does one just move on from that? I will tell you how..
In the days following that dreadful November evening I barely slept, and it felt like I was walking around in a fog. Sometimes when I closed my eyes I would wish so hard to just see his face in my dreams, and I put pictures up all around the house.. Thinking back now I'm not sure if I thought I was going to forget what he looked like or what the reasoning behind that was, it was just what I needed to do.. It wore off, after about 3 months I actually took down all pictures of him as well as the news paper articles and sympathy cards and packed them away in a drawer. I had actually got to the point that it was too hard to see his picture everywhere.
i can tell you the things I struggled with the most after my dad died and that was my anger.. I was not a happy person and I truly needed someone to blame.
To be frank, I was pissed off, and it took a long time for that anger to get under control.
I get that their is a plan for us all, but I'm sure some people do not appreciate the plan as it's layed out. Who knows, maybe the plan was for me to lose my dad at 30 and get so screwed up healing from his death that I decide to write a book that becomes a big hit.. hahaha.. Yup I know
I know now that it is exceptable for me to still be struggling. For 30 years we went through alot.. We had just gotten to a great time in our relationship.. So I figure it's safe to expect 30 years to get over it..
So I will take you all on this ride with me in the hopes that my screwed up life, makes your screwed up life look a bit better!
One thing I have learned from this all is to truly slow down... Stay in your PJ's on sunday mornings and watch cartoons with the kids till noon! Sit back every now and then and make sure you are happy with the life you have created for yourself. Don't be average! I believe that knowing my dad and seeing the man he was will give me a different outlook on alot of things from now on.
I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, but to be honest I never know.. to say my life has adjusted to it's new normal is somewhat true. My mom and I do alot together now, I believe this has brought us closer. I need her, and I'd like to believe that she needs me too.
Friday 10 February 2012
And so it begins...
Life's tough somtimes... People get comfortable, in their jobs, marriage, life in general becomes this monotonous routine of waking up, showering, working, cooking, cleaning, and starting it all over again the next day. Is this what we signed up for?
We get so comfortable in our everyday lives that we forget to stop and, as they say, "smell the roses"...
Do you tell your husband that you love him every time you leave each other? your parents everytime you hang up the phone? Your kids everyday when you drop them off at school? When exactly did you decide you would "settle" into this life and be happy with it? It's amazing how we roll along each day in our routines and never expect life to hiccup so loudly that it shakes your entire being.
And so it begins...
Life as I knew it was pretty great, as great as I expected it to be, or I guess as great as I made it. I was happily married with 2 beautiful healthy children. My brothers were both close to me, we all live within the same small community and generally see or speak to each other at least once a week..
My parents were wholesome, caring and very involved, about the best you could get.. I am going to focus the majority of this post to my dad, not that my mom is not a vital and very important part of my life, but you will understand why as you read on.
I can't begin to explain how much my dad means to me... I am the epitome of a daddy's little girl, I know it and I am not ashamed of it. Was I spoiled? Some say yes, I say, define spoiled?
If spoiled means being loved unconditionally, being taught values and respect, but also being forgiven for many mistakes, and given the benefit of the doubt, then yes I was spoiled. I will admit that there was little that I wanted that I couldn't have growing up, however, there was also no question that at 14 I was to get a job, and learn how to be responsible with money. My dad truly is a man to be admired.. Growing up I watched him dedicate alot of time to different organizations, and I remember vividly being with him and it seemed no matter where we were, he always knows someone.
He cherishes his family and friends and everyone who knows him would agree with this statement.
He lives the perfect life, he has a well established business, and many years under his belt of experience with his cherished Optimist club.. You would be hard pressed to go to a social event in town and not see him there. He is a social butterfly, but also a cherished husband, father and most importantly Papa~!
I have no trouble telling you what a great person my dad was, infact I strive to be the person he....was.
*Insert sigh*
This is where things start to get tough.
On rememberance day 2010 my dad passed away, and that is when everything changed. My simple, settled life took a turn that I never expected, and It was like I had to learn to live again, for the most part I knew how to live, I just had no idea how to live without him.
Each and everyday is different in it's on way, getting used to seeing his truck driving through town, but without him driving it, stopping at his shop and not having him at the front counter.. Not getting the random visits, or phone calls..
For the first few months it was hard to even get up, I knew I had my kids to take care of, but that was the last thing on my mind. Everything was just supposed to go back to normal..
"normal" - means regular, or natural
I can tell you that nothing was regular or natural anymore.. Life went from the
comfortable "settled" life to something completely new.. My life without my dad
I am now looking back wishing I had stopped more to "smell the roses" My life with my dad was outlived long before its time.
As most of you will know during my dad's illness I kept a blog to inform people of his condition and it was a great coping mechanism for me. I still look back on that blog to read people's comments and even though time has passed, the hurt is still very much present.
I started writing a book, but to be honest I don't know the first thing about writing a book, that needs a beginning, middle, and end.. I don't have a middle or end yet, this is just the beginning..
So here I go again with another blog.. In the hopes that it helps me to adjust to this new life...
~And so it begins...
We get so comfortable in our everyday lives that we forget to stop and, as they say, "smell the roses"...
Do you tell your husband that you love him every time you leave each other? your parents everytime you hang up the phone? Your kids everyday when you drop them off at school? When exactly did you decide you would "settle" into this life and be happy with it? It's amazing how we roll along each day in our routines and never expect life to hiccup so loudly that it shakes your entire being.
And so it begins...
Life as I knew it was pretty great, as great as I expected it to be, or I guess as great as I made it. I was happily married with 2 beautiful healthy children. My brothers were both close to me, we all live within the same small community and generally see or speak to each other at least once a week..
My parents were wholesome, caring and very involved, about the best you could get.. I am going to focus the majority of this post to my dad, not that my mom is not a vital and very important part of my life, but you will understand why as you read on.
I can't begin to explain how much my dad means to me... I am the epitome of a daddy's little girl, I know it and I am not ashamed of it. Was I spoiled? Some say yes, I say, define spoiled?
If spoiled means being loved unconditionally, being taught values and respect, but also being forgiven for many mistakes, and given the benefit of the doubt, then yes I was spoiled. I will admit that there was little that I wanted that I couldn't have growing up, however, there was also no question that at 14 I was to get a job, and learn how to be responsible with money. My dad truly is a man to be admired.. Growing up I watched him dedicate alot of time to different organizations, and I remember vividly being with him and it seemed no matter where we were, he always knows someone.
He cherishes his family and friends and everyone who knows him would agree with this statement.
He lives the perfect life, he has a well established business, and many years under his belt of experience with his cherished Optimist club.. You would be hard pressed to go to a social event in town and not see him there. He is a social butterfly, but also a cherished husband, father and most importantly Papa~!
I have no trouble telling you what a great person my dad was, infact I strive to be the person he....was.
*Insert sigh*
This is where things start to get tough.
On rememberance day 2010 my dad passed away, and that is when everything changed. My simple, settled life took a turn that I never expected, and It was like I had to learn to live again, for the most part I knew how to live, I just had no idea how to live without him.
Each and everyday is different in it's on way, getting used to seeing his truck driving through town, but without him driving it, stopping at his shop and not having him at the front counter.. Not getting the random visits, or phone calls..
For the first few months it was hard to even get up, I knew I had my kids to take care of, but that was the last thing on my mind. Everything was just supposed to go back to normal..
"normal" - means regular, or natural
I can tell you that nothing was regular or natural anymore.. Life went from the
comfortable "settled" life to something completely new.. My life without my dad
I am now looking back wishing I had stopped more to "smell the roses" My life with my dad was outlived long before its time.
As most of you will know during my dad's illness I kept a blog to inform people of his condition and it was a great coping mechanism for me. I still look back on that blog to read people's comments and even though time has passed, the hurt is still very much present.
I started writing a book, but to be honest I don't know the first thing about writing a book, that needs a beginning, middle, and end.. I don't have a middle or end yet, this is just the beginning..
So here I go again with another blog.. In the hopes that it helps me to adjust to this new life...
~And so it begins...
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