I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason, this statement was tested when I went through the loss of my dad, as I couldn't imagine what the "reason" behind that could possibly be. The past 5 years have been spent re-evaluating myself, my relationships, and my self worth. I have come to the realization that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I must take each day as it comes as I can not change what the outcome will be.
What's my journey? What's my path? What lies ahead for me? Questions I don't have answers for.
At what point in our life should we know exactly what we are supposed to do? I don't think I have ever been clear on this.
I have to say that not knowing, seems to trigger my anxiety and uncertainty. I would have never labelled myself a Planner per say, but I definitely feel like it would put me at ease to feel like I have my direction figured out.
Amazingly, this blog was started well over a year ago... Clearly I was going somewhere with that post, although I have no idea where, and this is how far I got. I am guessing an opportunity had presented itself to me, clearly I didn't pursue it as I opened my computer today to start writing and these thoughts were exactly what I would have penned. Coincidence? I think not.
I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. My boat has not moved, I'm stranded in the middle of a lake with no paddle, or up shit creek, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.. That is a sad fact which utterly depresses me. I have literally let another year of my life slip away, I say that very matter of factly.
So what now? Well, the fact that this blog made it to your computer is a step in the right direction. I actually completed something! Giving myself a very sarcastic pat on the back right now.
I read an article today that basically said suck it up and get on with life. Start living, and stop moaning about it. It used alot more swear words but I'm keeping this PG13 at least for this sentence. The moral was that if you feel like you are in a funk, and you bitch and moan about being in a funk you will never get out of said funk. Basically, you don't need to find yourself, you already know yourself. You just now need to enjoy yourself. Do what you want, when you want. Don't give a shit what people think (sorry my filter was shut down briefly)
I love to write...SO much that it wakes me in the night, and I have to write stuff down. Thoughts come and go, and Ideas flow through my head all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, and I haven't quite learned how to reel it all in yet, but my guess is that if I quit giving up on it and let it spew than I will have no choice but to figure it out.
The best part of this, is people related to my writing. Whether they publicly commented, or privately messaged me, or stopped me at the grocery store, they related. I actually helped some people to admit things, like truly come to grips and speak about things they didn't want to, or didn't know how to. That's pretty fricking amazing. I did that.
And then I stopped.
You know how you feel when your standing on a ladder and someone kicks it out from under you? Neither do I literally, but figuratively, that's what happened.
I let one person's ridicule stop me from writing. One person who I trusted, who knew me at my darkest times, and one person who I had bonded with on a very personal level, she got to me. Her words were enough to stop me. For hearing her say that I need to just "get over" my dad's death already, and that people are sick and tired of hearing about it, really hit home.
Although my writing did help me, I often wondered if I should keep it to myself. I struggled to see the point of sharing my feelings with others, wondering if anyone cared anyways, but like I said before, I got reactions. People liked what I wrote, and looked forward to my writing. If someone could settle in with a glass of wine or 3 and read my words and not roll their eyes after, than I had accomplished something. Even better if it struck a cord within them, if they too were struggling in their personal life and something I said resonated with them, that's all the affirmation I need.
So now that I am officially back at it I guess my lesson for today can be that people need to choose their words. I am all for not giving a shit what people think of me, but let's be real, that's not me at all. I tend to take way more to heart than I would ever let on to anyone. (Don't tell my kids though, that's kind of my signature pep talk)
There is so much negativity and hate out there, just choose to be better. Have an opinion, but choose your words. If you don't like my writing, I respect that as your opinion, but I will be damned if I let your loose lips shut down my choice of therapy.
In the words of Tim McGraw... Always be Humble and Kind~ And if that doesn't work then just don't be an asshole.
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI think your writing is fantastic! If this is your choice of therapy or your means to just let it all out...have at it! I enjoy reading about it, and I enjoy knowing that someone feels the same as me, of course I can not relate to the loss of your father, but I can certainly relate to wondering what my purpose is, and for allowing time to go by thinking I've made great accomplishment in my life, just to realize just the opposite and that I literally have stood still for a year as well.
Never be ashamed for who you are or what you feel, or what you need to accomplish for yourself to get you through this life! You should be soo proud that you have the courage inside you to be soo open and honest about your feelings, most people couldn't do this. Your children will one day be able to look back at this and it will allow them to see you in a different way, and although you may appear perfect to them, there was a a point in your life where you just "didn't know" and it will teach them that this is ok.
To the person who thought they had the right to tell you when and how to grieve, shame on them, and if they don't want to hear about it, don't click on your blog....simple as that!
Just keep being you! I think your an amazing woman!
Cheers,
Dawn
Thank you Dawn for giving my incredible daughter an affirmation to keep writing.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you Jesse! People who have never dealt with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness, whether it be personally or in a family member or friend, are often close minded and are ignorant to it's effects. You are a very good writer, so never again let anyone deter you from that.
ReplyDeleteUnderstand, too, that it is very "normal" to reach a point in life where you wonder your purpose. I think we all go through something like that, at different stages. For me, it was when my boys left home and Paige became "not so needing" of me. But it also presents new opportunities. Things in which we may have never thought to immerse ourselves even a year prior, perhaps things that we were too afraid to do, or felt would serve no purpose then, but may mean so much now, so whatever opportunity comes your way, give it some true consideration as it may lead to bigger things.
As for your "friend" who felt the need to speak for "everyone" else, I hope you have vacated that relationship as it doesn't sound like it was a healthy one. A true friend would have encouraged you to do what was best for you, and like Dawn has said above, if people don't want to read about your journey, then don't!!
My "mantra" in life is "Everything Happens for A Reason" whether we understand it, like it, love it, reject it or embrace it, it happens for a reason. You are going to figure everything out when and as you are meant to, so in the meantime, enjoy what life is offering you in the present and run with it. It will lead you to where you are supposed to be :)
xoxoHUGGSxoxo
Kris