When I think back to when I was a kid and the things I imagined for myself when I grew up, there was never a thought of losing one of my parents... I mean, I'm not naive I know at some point in my life I would have to face that, but certainly not at 30.
My 30th birthday was supposed to be such a hit! My dad and I talked about the year we would have our milestone birthdays for a long time.. Little did he know what I had been planning for his 60th that year and it went off without a hitch. What a great party! Dad drank like a teenager, and at the end of the night I had to wake him up (yes he fell asleep standing at the bar) and help him to the car.. Classic!
I am guessing that maybe his subconscious was aware that this would be his last birthday and wanted him to go out in style!
At least one of us had a great birthday that year! My birthday went alot differently.. I woke up early on the saturday morning of the Tavistock Fall Fair and grabbed coffee and headed for the hospital.. I knew my dad was not feeling the greatest at this point as he was at a mid way point for his radiation and had under gone one round of chemo which was really kicking his ass! There was no place I would have rather been on that morning, at least that's what I thought...
My dad had a rough night and was pretty tired when I got there, he didn't want the coffee I had brought him so it sat. He never had a calendar in his room and after being in their for so long I understand that he had no idea what day it was.. I visited with my dad that day for about an hour, that's all I could take.. I left to head back to the parade and hang out with my kids, I was extremly upset that he hadn't realized it was my birthday and honestly I can still feel the sting as I write this... Looking back now, knowing what the outcome was going to be I should have sat in the hospital room for as long as it took that day, and many other days.. Really what was more important than just sitting with him. Sometimes we would sit for many minutes without saying a word.. For some people this would make for an akward and uncomfortable situation, but for us it was just comfortable.. Dad and I never really talked much about him dying, except for the day when I had to tell him that the doctors had done all they could. Now there's a day I could have done without...
To be honest there are a few days during those 5 months that made the brutal reality of the whole situtation set in even more...
How does one just move on from that? I will tell you how..
In the days following that dreadful November evening I barely slept, and it felt like I was walking around in a fog. Sometimes when I closed my eyes I would wish so hard to just see his face in my dreams, and I put pictures up all around the house.. Thinking back now I'm not sure if I thought I was going to forget what he looked like or what the reasoning behind that was, it was just what I needed to do.. It wore off, after about 3 months I actually took down all pictures of him as well as the news paper articles and sympathy cards and packed them away in a drawer. I had actually got to the point that it was too hard to see his picture everywhere.
i can tell you the things I struggled with the most after my dad died and that was my anger.. I was not a happy person and I truly needed someone to blame.
To be frank, I was pissed off, and it took a long time for that anger to get under control.
I get that their is a plan for us all, but I'm sure some people do not appreciate the plan as it's layed out. Who knows, maybe the plan was for me to lose my dad at 30 and get so screwed up healing from his death that I decide to write a book that becomes a big hit.. hahaha.. Yup I know
I know now that it is exceptable for me to still be struggling. For 30 years we went through alot.. We had just gotten to a great time in our relationship.. So I figure it's safe to expect 30 years to get over it..
So I will take you all on this ride with me in the hopes that my screwed up life, makes your screwed up life look a bit better!
One thing I have learned from this all is to truly slow down... Stay in your PJ's on sunday mornings and watch cartoons with the kids till noon! Sit back every now and then and make sure you are happy with the life you have created for yourself. Don't be average! I believe that knowing my dad and seeing the man he was will give me a different outlook on alot of things from now on.
I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, but to be honest I never know.. to say my life has adjusted to it's new normal is somewhat true. My mom and I do alot together now, I believe this has brought us closer. I need her, and I'd like to believe that she needs me too.
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