This is me

A marriage should be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it, right? I mean, we take vows that say for better or worse... I'm sure Mike never realized how "worse" it was going to get.
I can say that there were days, still are for that matter, when he really had to sit back and remember those vows in order to keep him from throwing in the towel.
There is no handbook that tells one how they are supposed to behave or act after something like this happens. My perfect life had hit rock bottom and it honestly felt like I would never get back to where I was.
Sadly, that is the truth, I will never get back to where I was, because where I was included my dad in my life, and this new life was a struggle to get used to.
To say I was difficult to deal with would be sugar coating it. My husband and I run our own company and I basically abandoned him where work was concerned. I was happy to stay at home, by myself. I sent my kids to a babysitter everyday so that I could sit at home, downstairs in my office and listen to Johnny Reid "today I'm gonna try and change the world". (this song was our processional for my dad's funeral) I would cry and feel sorry for myself. What was happening to me? I thought I was stronger than this, why was I struggling so much to get through this? the time I needed in the weeks following my dad's death was just to be alone, completely alone. I pushed my husband, and my kids away. I couldn't understand how Mike could get up everyday and just go on like nothing even happened. Like it never affected him. This brought a significant wedge between us, because he wanted something from me that I just couldn't give him, and I needed something from him that wasn't there. I needed him to sit and cry with me, just show some emotion. He was emotional during the visitation and the funeral, and that night when he and I sat by my dad's side and watched him breathe for the last time he broke down just like I did, but now he was able to just push it aside and move on. I was having trouble understanding him, but I didn't want to talk to him about it either. There was days that I thought Mike and I were two different people since dad died. Like it had changed us both, or maybe it just changed me and I didn't know who I was anymore. Either way, I wasn't sure we would survive.
It was painful to feel so alone, both my brothers were reacting the same way as Mike. I know that everyone reacts to things differently and it was unfair for me to judge the way they were dealing with things, but I just felt like I needed more support then I was given. Don't get me wrong, both my brothers checked up on me almost daily. They were very concerned about how I was doing, but the support I felt I needed was not daily phone calls.
It took a few weeks before I started to believe them when they told me that I needed to see a doctor, a therapist, someone! I really needed to get my life back, start being a mother again, and most importantly make an effort in my marriage.
Once I made the appointment with my doctor and actually went through with it, I started taking anti-depressants. From day one, I was not ashamed to admit this fact to anyone. Within the first week I could feel a difference, my temper had subsided, I was able to actually look at a picture of my dad, or talk about him and not break down. One small pill once a day really did make a world of difference to me. I finally realized that I could not sit back and wait for life to get easier, I actually had to put some work into it and make it happen. The idea of depression was new to me, I was not immune to it however, as I had seen it a few times in my family, but for myself other than the heartache of losing a high school boyfriend and thinking life was over, this was new. It was scary to think that I could not control my emotions enough to go on with my everyday responsibilites without this pill. I realize now that the things I was expecting of Mike were unfair, what I didn't realize was that deep down inside he too had lost a huge part of his life. He chooses to deal with it by submerging himself into work and not stopping long enough to let himself get emotional, and I respect that.... now.
My point of this whole entry is to address depression, it can fall into a range of categories, and can affect people differently but it is what it is, depression. Pretty self explanitory.
In my case, I was not able to cope with losing my dad and was falling into a depression and didn't even realize it. Or maybe I did, but I couldn't get past my anger long enough to admit it. I was so pissed off at the doctors for letting my dad die, that my anger over took me and allowed me to push alot of people away. For this I am not proud, but what I am proud of is that I finally recognized that their was a problem and I pushed my pride aside long enough to be vulnerable. I had to actually admit that I was depressed and make the conscious decision to start taking anti-depressants so that I could deal with everyday life.
It was not fair of me to treat my husband and kids the way I did, but at the time I didn't know any other way to cope.
I guess I can be thankful that I chose the husband I did, and that he was willing to stand by me through what has been the most difficult time in my life, because sadly I wasn't there for him. Thankfully my kids are young enough that they wont remember the fact that mommy wasn't herself for a few months after papa died.
In some ways my dad's death has brought alot of things into perspective I realize that I love my husband unconditionally and with every ounce of my being, and I know now that we can survive anything. It has also managed to bring my family closer, we were always close before this, but now I truly know how much my brothers look out for me and would do anything for me.

If I can share one of the most important things that I have learned over the past year it is that,
Everyone who is in your life, is there for a reason. God does not take into consideration how messed up things will be if he takes away one of those people, so the lesson is to never leave anything unsaid, always make sure the people around you know everyday how much they mean to you, because you never know when that moment could happen that your whole life changes.
In coping with a tragedy don't be afraid to ask for help, most importantly make sure you know that those people that you have chosen to have in your life, who are there for a reason.. well that reason is to be there for you unconditionally when you need them.